2012

I am not doing anything exciting for the new year. In fact, because I will be at work, I'm hoping for quite a mundane night. Exciting is never a good thing in the ICU.

Last night I was on Facebook and kept seeing all these posts about how people are "so done with 2012" and how this was the "worst year ever". I understand that some years are definitely worse than others, but I have a hard time believing that very many people in developed countries had such a bad year that there is nothing good to remember. I feel that when we're so blessed that a failed relationship or bad marks are the worst things in our life we're still doing pretty well. But maybe that's just me.

2012 was a year of ups and downs for me. Lots of tough times, but lots of great times too. This past year I got out of a long-term relationship, crossed the stage to accept my BScN degree, successfully wrote my nursing exams and received my registration, travelled to Vancouver, Seattle, Calgary, Ontario, Taiwan and Malaysia, attended a funeral we all saw coming, made numerous new friends, started my career as an ICU nurse, celebrated my sister's engagement, found a new home, and accepted that my life is changing so fast it makes my head spin. I laughed, cried, fought, compartmentalized,  held grudges, made some stupid decisions, learned, celebrated, forgave, tried new things, let go, loved, and said goodbye. There have been plenty of tears, but tears are not always shed in sadness; tears can fall for heartbreak, sorrow, happiness, surprise, anger, confusion, relief, or they can be simply an expression of letting go.

Letting go. Something I am learning to do. I have some great big dreams for 2013, but I am learning to let things happen the way they happen. I am learning that I have so little control over my life - and thank heavens! I am far too apt to make mistakes. I look forward to the coming year - I will try to embrace the bad with the good, run alongside the change, grow as a woman and a human being, and be thankful for myself, my family and friends, and all the amazing things I am blessed to experience.

It will be a Happy New Year.

Re-Framing the past

I am in the process of packing up all my things in preparation for the big move. Which, for the record, absolutely sucks. SUCKS! Anyhow.

I'm finding all those things that I tucked away at some point - old school binders, cards and letters from friends, and photos. It is absurd to find that picture frames with photos that used to be extremely important and meaningful to me are easy to pull out the frames and pack away in storage. I printed off new photos and put them in the frames, and it feels so refreshing and fitting. Packing up photos that no longer bring me joy replaced with ones that mean something and remind me of some of the great experiences I've had in the last few years. Maybe it's a little thing, but it feels like it makes a big difference. New house, new roommates, new bedroom with new pictures.

Quite fitting with the new year.

The trouble with love

I forgot how complicated dating and love and relationships are. Especially right at the start. Or when things change. Or when you don't know what you want. Or if you know what you want but don't think you can have it. Or when you know what you want and know you can't have it. Or when you change your mind. Or when your head is telling you one thing and your heart is telling you another. Or when you friends/family are telling you one thing and you're telling yourself another. Or when you are scared. Or when you've been hurt. Or ... Well, basically always.

Love is confusing. Love is vulnerable. Love is time-consuming and challenging and unnerving. I know that love can be worth it. At least my head knows that love can be worth it - I'm having a hard time convincing my heart. I know tales like that of my grandparents (married 49 years and 11 months, parted only in death), or my parents (married 30 years so far), or my godparents (34 years so far). I want a story like their stories. And yet I cannot convince my heart to try.

Right side up

Getting Netflix was one of the worst ideas I ever had. I find a show and then watch it obsessively until I've seen all the episodes and it can sort of consume my life. It's a problem.

I have been watching Bones (I'm in the middle of season six) and the episode I just watched discussed a study in which participants were asked to wear glasses that made the world appear upside down. After wearing the glasses for three days, participants reported that their vision once again appeared right-side up. However, upon removing the glasses, their vision was once again upside down ... and it again took three days for everything to normalize.

So the lesson I (sadly) extract from a television series is that after a major change, it takes three days for our world-view to adjust, three days for our brains to re-adjust. Perhaps it takes our psyche or subconscious, or whatever you want to call it, longer to absorb the change, or make it feel normal, but the brain itself will accept the change within three days time.

I'm not sure what the direction of this commentary is, but it just stuck with me. Three days to see things right side up again.

Meniere's

I am so dizzy today that I had to call in sick to work - I can't look down or close my eyes without an overwhelming sensation of vertigo. I haven't had to miss any work in almost three years because of this disorder and I am so frustrated to have to do so again.

This sucks.

Hot air balloon

I have a godmother. She is one of my mom's closest friends and is like a second mother to me. Any twenty-something woman can tell you that the transition relationship you share with your real mom as you move from dependent daughter to independent adult can be  ... rocky. I love my mother very much (she is an amazing mom) but we have our moments, and my godmother is one step back from all of that.

My god-mama is a very good listener, and a very intuitive metaphorical thinker. I was talking to her about my life these days: I'm no longer at the university that became my home the past four years, I'm in a new job with a lot of new co-workers, the environment in my choir has changed drastically for me, my sister is getting married and my brother is making plans to see the world, I'm moving to a new place with new roommates, my best friend moved across the country for grad school, my relationship with my parents is evolving ... basically everything in my life is different and changing. All of the things that anchored me are coming up.

I told her I feel like I'm being tossed in a lifeboat on stormy seas surrounded by fog ... I feel unsteady, un-anchored, and like I have no bearings.

She said this: [paraphrased] "I think it sounds more like a hot air balloon. You know how hot air balloons have anchors tied to the ground to keep them down while they inflate the balloon? That's what all those changes sound like. Each big change isn't a wave hitting your boat or another roll of fog, it's a rope being untied. And one you're untied ... where do you go? Up. And after you float on up, where do you go next?" [To which I responded, "Down?"], and she said, "You go wherever the wind takes you."

Perhaps I don't know my current direction or my destination, but I love the thought of going whichever direction the wind blows. Somehow I will find the grace to not just accept the changes in my life but to embrace them as the birth place of growth and my own evolution into the woman I want to be.

I am so thankful for the people in my life who see me, and see me more clearly than I see myself.

Shift work

It's funny how when you should go to sleep you're as awake as if you'd finished a pot of coffee to yourself, but when you should stay awake your eyes are perpetually half-closed as you function in a state of semi-lucid dreams.

When I'm switching from day shifts to night shifts (we work twelves, running seven to seven), I try to stay up late so I can sleep in before I go to work that night. I am not one of those lucky people who can just sleep straight on through for 16 hours so my goal is usually to stay up past midnight in order to allow myself to sleep in past noon. In theory I could go to bed early and get up early and try to nap in the afternoon, but then I run the risk of not being sleepy when I should be napping, and it's a looonngg night until I can return home to bed.

It's not even 11pm and I can barely keep my eyes open. This is after an 8-hour sleep last night and 2-hour nap this afternoon. What the heck, body? Why are you doing this to me?!

Starry Night

I am watching the sun sink towards the horizon as I write. The prairies are beautiful like this - softly dusted in snow and syrupy golden in the last rays of sunshine. Everything looks so quiet and peaceful. It makes me miss the wide-open spaces of Saskatchewan, where the horizon arcs all the way around you with the curvature of this planet. Most of all, I miss the night sky the way you see it from the countryside - a pitch black canvas dripping in winking silver lights. Ahhh. It makes me feel so small and marvelously insignificant.

When I am standing under a true night sky, undiminished by the light pollution of cities, it seems so much easier to get things in perspective. I find it pathetically easy to lose track of that which matters. Somehow a starry sky brings the difference between matters of importance and inconsequential details into sharp relief. Now, as I adjust to my situation as it currently is and look towards my future, perspective seems a crucial part of sorting the elements that compose my life. I want to live my life on purpose, to find my dreams, to be good but bad enough to be memorable, to achieve my goals.

I think some serious star-gazing is in order.

You cut me down

Warning: blatantly spiritual content to follow.

I was raised in the church. When I was younger (about aged 11-17) I was extremely involved. For those seven-ish years I attended and taught Sunday school, volunteered and worked at summer day camps, attended and volunteered with the youth group, babysat the kids, worked in the nursery, helped to organize and run church functions and Christmas pageants, even served on the committee looking to hire a new youth pastor. I grew up there.

When I graduated, I moved away for a year and a half, and after moving back I realized that the church I had been attending was no longer a healthy place for me. I needed a place that fed me, not one that only absorbed my time and work. I have been looking for a home church ever since.

I must own to the fact that, in part, the length of my search is due to being particular in what I want, but part of it is due to the ways that I often feel that the capital-C-Church has betrayed the world, not to mention betraying God Himself. My personal struggle has never been one of doubting my faith. I am not someone who questions the existence of God, or the divinity of Jesus Christ. What I struggle with is scorn; scorn for the Church that scorned me while I was trying to figure out what it meant to be a believing adult in the 21st century. A Church that scorns those who I believe the man Jesus would most reach out to - the lost, the sick, the broken, the hurting. In His words, it's not the healthy who need a doctor. 

Perhaps my tendency to face a fight with my fists up and my head held high has made things more difficult for me, but dogma and piety and self-righteousness and judgement of others make me sick to my stomach. I'm not so good at biting my tongue or turning a blind eye, either. I have found too many churches that want to separate 'us' (good, righteous, Christians who are going to heaven) and 'them' (heathens, dis-believers, homosexuals, sinners who are going to hell) in an effort to feel holy and good about themselves, and keep the undesirables out. And it's wrong. So incredibly wrong.

The second century Church was famous. Famous for the way they loved, for the way they cared for and fed and clothed each other, both physically and spiritually. They lived in the world without being of it. They didn't feel the need to justify themselves to popular culture - being relevant to pop culture or politics was a non-issue. They cared about sharing the news that their Saviour had died to share; died to make true. And they themselves were willing to die before betraying their Lord. Radical faith.

I do not expect perfection in a church. I do, however, want and need to find a group of people who are less concerned about judging 'them' and justifying 'us', and instead focus on knowing Him. A church should be a place where anyone (and I mean anyone) can find peace and a safe place to seek God, to learn about Christ, to make mistakes, to build a relationship with their Creator. 

The following are the lyrics from the song "Holland Road" by Mumford & Sons. When listening to this song all I can hear is the way the Church has made me feel so many times - like my struggles are unacceptable. I want to love the Church, but it is so hard to love when you've been cut so deeply.

Holland Road

So I was lost
Go count the cost before you go to the Holland Road,
With your heart like a stone you spared no time in lashing out.
And I knew your pain and the effect of my shame, but you cut me down.
You cut me down.

And I will not tell the thoughts of hell 
That carried me home from the Holland Road.
With my heart like a stone, I put up no fight 
To your callous mind; and from your corner you rose to cut me down.
You cut me down.

So I hit my low.
Little did I know that would not be the end.
And from the Holland Road, well, I rose and I rose and 
I paid less time to your callous mind,
And I wished you well as you cut me down.
You cut me down.

But I'll still believe, though there's cracks you'll see,
When I'm on my knees I'll still believe.
And when I've hit the ground, neither lost nor found,
If you'll believe in me I'll still believe.

And I still believe,
Though there's cracks you'll see.
When I'm on my knees I'll still believe; and when I've hit the ground,
Neither lost nor found,
If you'll believe in me I'll still believe.

Roadmaps, GPS, and details

Sometimes I feel lost in my own life.

It feels a little crazy to say that because I have been actively involved in the decisions that lead me to where I am right now, but it's true. I'm feeling lost.

I think part of this is due to the shock of working full time and no longer measuring my life in four-month segments (September-December, January-April, May-August: the seasons of a student). For the first 23 years of my life, I basically knew what the plan was (well .. the first four years I didn't really give a damn, and then I started kindergarten). School from September to June. Summer. Repeat. Graduate high school. School from September to April. Summer. Rinse and repeat.

I speak only for myself here (although I'm sure lots of nurses can relate) when I say that nursing school was the most difficult thing I have ever done, and basically the only way to survive is to tuck your head down and run for the end. All of a sudden, four years have passed and you see your feet cross the finish line and you look up and .... you have no idea where you are. You got so focused on just surviving the day-to-day that you never took in your surroundings. My plans were graduate and get a job.

Well, mission accomplished. I have fulfilled that whole plan and currently don't have plans beyond get up and go to work. My brother says this is en expected feeling - that everything will settle into a sense of normalcy at about the six-month mark. Right now, however, it just feels scary.

My mother (and sister) take the cake on Type A personalities in my household [a fact for which I am extremely grateful because I HHHATE details and being organized], but I still like to have a working plan. Even if it's just a dream or a distant idea, I like to have some vague thought on what will be happening six, eight, twenty four months down the road.

Perhaps this is an exercise to improve my Type B-ness. Shucks.

One night

Hilariously, I made it less than half-way through the last challenge, which is just about par for the course for me. I will not feel down-trodden though. By the last few posts I was only doing it out of a sense of obligation, not because I felt like I was learning anything, or sorting anything out about my life. This is a problem with challenges - sometimes they stop helping you grow and start holding you back.

I have an idea for a November challenge, but I'm not going to commit to it yet. There are still two days to decide ... 

Regardless, this is a big day for me. I may have graduated in spring, but I have been in training for the last three months at my new job.  Tonight I go solo for the first time. My head knows that I have the training for this - four years of university, over a thousand clinical hours, a month of unit-specific classroom time, and an additional two months of on-site preceptorship - but I feel wildly unprepared. I work in a highly specialized area and a lot of stuff can go wrong. I am nervous as all heck.

I want to be great at my job. I'm not being melodramatic when I say that lives depend on my being great at my job. I suppose being nervous is a good thing - it means that I am self-aware, that I care about being a great nurse - but I don't like it. My stomach is twisting and I feel sick. 

Hopefully tonight my training will take over (experience tells me it will) but I don't know how to stop my hands from shaking.

The top 0.95%

Challenge Day 13: If you go here you can read about this challenge and all of this will make more sense.

Video of the day - Rory Sutherland: Life lessons from an ad man [Go here to watch the video on ted.com]

Thumbnail quote - "Engineers, medical people, scientific people, have an obsession with solving the problems of reality, when actually … once you reach a basic level of wealth in society, most problems are actually problems of perception.” (Rory Sutherland)

Why I chose this video - I clicked on the category "funny" because I'm having a trying sort of day. Life lessons from somebody who works in advertising seemed like it could be fun ...?

Summary - Rory Sutherland mainly discusses how perception changes everything. Take, for example, the hilarious and brilliant campaign for "New Diamond Shreddies". It was funny, and it made people laugh. And ridiculously, it worked. By making people believe that something was new about Shreddies (while, in truth, we all know they're the same thing) people were newly excited about their high-fiber cereal.
He talks about how Frederick the Great of Prussia (modern day Germany) wanted his people to eat potatoes. He first tried by making their growth and consumption compulsory, and it failed utterly. In a stroke of brilliance, he passed a law saying that potatoes were a royal food, to be grown and consumed only by the royal family. The purposely badly guarded royal potato patch was robbed constantly and potatoes became a very common food among all classes. Genius.
With many more examples, and even more jokes, he gets to his point. We can replace tangible incentive with intangible value. Instead of keeping material and physical objects as the marker of success and happiness, it is possible to create social pressures that encourage more egalitarian societies. Moving away from constantly needing more and more, we can place a higher value on the things that already exist.

My Take-Away -Well, this all made sense to me. I especially enjoyed watching the audience see the Shreddies marketing campaign for the first time. As a Canadian, this was not news to me - the commercials were all over the television and I thought they were very funny. But this audience was mostly not from anywhere that Shreddies are sold and they were in hysterics watching this ad campaign that was based completely on the idea that perception changes everything.
I am certainly on board with the idea of trying to keep things in perspective. This isn't to say that I am immune to Western advertising and Hollywood's work to tell me I need more and bigger things. However, I do try to keep it in perspective.
That whole movement of "we are the the 99%" in the Western world frustrated me all to hell. Sure, yes, we are the 99% in the Western part of the world. But globally? Sorry, people, we are the top 2%, if even that low. If you have food, shelter, clean water, and access to health care, you are right up there. I went onto a website to calculate how I compare financially from a global perspective: I am in the top 0.95% richest people in the world. Wow. Talk about perspective. Go to this website to calculate where you stand compared to the other 6,999,999,999 people on this planet. It's an illuminating activity. But it doesn't even count some of the most amazing blessings I rely on every day.
I live in Canada. I have the same rights as a man. I have a good family, many friends, loads of opportunities, an excellent education, a house, food, clean water, a bank account, a birth certificate and government-issued identification, a passport, and a zillion other things. I can see a doctor if I get sick, hire a lawyer if I have legal issues, and vote for my government. My home is safe - I have never even heard a gunshot or felt the quake of a bomb. So although I have student debt, need things like a new car, have to pay rent, and other such financial stressors, I'm lucky to even have to worry about those things.

Rendering music into visual art

Challenge Day 12: Go here to read about this challenge and why I'm doing it [if you don't already know].

Video of the day - Jared Ficklin: New ways to see music (with color! and fire!) [Go here to watch the video on ted.com]

Thumbnail quote - "It's okay to applaud the laws of physics.” (Jared Ficklin)

Why I chose this video - I love music. I'm a huge choir nerd - and proud of it.


Summary - Jared Ficklin is a designer who loves music. He uses fire and then plays varying frequencies to show how the flames are affected by sound. That is his hobby and you should watch the video. It's very cool! He has experimented with various ways to visualize music - something I have never seen before (no pun intended). Quite honestly, a lot of this talk was over my head, but I like fire so it was pretty cool. Jared renders sounds, and speech, and music into a visual medium - he plays with fire, shows sound as a picture, and even turned a lecture by Stephen Hawking into a universe of stars. I can't really explain much more about this talk because it is incredibly visual, but you should watch it. It's pretty dang cool.

My Take-Away -This is thinking outside the box - turning sound into something you can see. I love music and the emotion that it can convey and stir and resolve, and to see it visually is a fascinating process. Sometimes I wish I could lose myself in a beautiful piece of music, wish that it would overwhelm all of my senses. This man has turned something I love to listen to and feel into something I can also see, and for that, I love him. The end.

Hear You Me

You have to know me pretty well to know that this is a hard part of September for me. Eight years ago I lost an extremely dear friend very suddenly and tragically. While I no longer think of her daily, or even weekly, I think about her a lot in early autumn. Most of the pain has dulled over the years, but it still stings if I think about it for more than a few minutes, which I tend to do in mid-September. She was an incredibly beautiful person, full of life and sass and potential, and losing her the way we did was just too sad. I have learned to be thankful for the far-too-brief time that I knew her and the lessons she taught me. Life spins on, but she will always be a part of who I am.

End of the sadness and melancholia. I have fallen down on my posts for two consecutive days! Partially it's due to lack of sleep (when I get home I have pretty much been collapsing into bed), getting over bronchitis, and because I had a midterm the other day and was cramming for that. But now I'm getting back on the horse ...

Challenge Day 11. If you don't already know about this challenge, I'd recommend going  here to read about it as the next bit will make more sense if you do.

Video of the day - Amy Purdy: Living beyond limits [Go here to watch the video on ted.com]

Thumbnail quote -None provided, so I picked out my own. "If your life were a book, and you were the author, how would you want your story to go?" (Amy Purdy)

Why I chose this video - In the spirit of remembering a phenomenal somebody whose life was cut short, I wanted to watch a video that was about something courageous and/or inspiring. The title of this talk seemed to fit the bill. [I love that TED categorizes their videos so you can choose what topic or theme you're interested in that day ...]

Summary - Amy Purdy was only 19 years old when she developed vaccine-preventable bacterial meningitis and spent two and a half months in the Intensive Care Unit. She lost her hearing in one ear, her spleen, her kidney function, and, most painfully, both legs below the knee. Understandably, she spent several months after she got home from the hospital depressed and practically comatose. She hated her new legs.
But one day, she had a realization that needing prosthetics meant she didn't have to be 5'5" any longer; she could be as tall, or as short, as she wanted to be. She spent time asking herself how she wanted her own story to go and dreaming about her future. An avid snowboarder, she wanted to get back on the hill. It took a lot of work, many tries, and some creative innovation to develop prosthetic legs and feet that would allow her to return to the sport, but she did it. She started snowboarding again, returned to work, returned to school, and then won two back-to-back world cup gold medals in snowboarding, making her the highest ranked adaptive snowboarder in the world.
 Amy states: "Our borders and our obstacles can only do two things: 1) stop us in our tracks, or 2) force us to get creative." I guess she would know.

My Take-Away - The fortitude, tenacity, and resilience of some people amazes me. I honestly can't say what I would do if I lost both, or even just one, of my legs. I don't know that I would ever be able to get out of bed. It takes incredible courage and strength to learn to accept enormous changes, and choose to re-define your own perceptions of yourself. Accepting oneself is hard enough, let alone doing so while dealing with dramatic emotional and physical changes. I suppose I can look back eight years and see the huge changes I had to make to cope with that loss - the things I had to let go of and learn to live with - but I'm not sure it's comparable.
I feel like the talks I have been watching (which have mostly been randomly selected) are coming up with some themes: Accepting yourself, dreaming big dreams, learning to adapt, developing and demonstrating resilience. That's a tall order and some tough life-lessons. A challenge that I may never complete; but I can try.
Amy discusses borders, or the things that hold us back or seem to be our limits, throughout her talk. And she states this: "I believe that our imaginations can be used as tools for breaking through borders. Because in our minds we can do anything, and we can be anything. It's believing in those dreams and facing our fears head-on that allows us to live our lives beyond limits."

Demise of guys

Challenge Day 10. If you're not up on what I'm doing, I'd recommend going here because everything will make more sense if you do :)

Video of the day - Philip Zimbardo: The demise of guys? [Go here to watch the video on ted.com]

Thumbnail quote - "Boys’ brains are being digitally rewired for change, novelty, excitement and constant arousal. That means they’re totally out of sync in traditional classes, which are analog, static, interactively passive.” (Philip Zimbardo)

Why I chose this video - How could I not be intrigued by that title. I mean, aren't you?!

Summary - Well. Tough news, boys. Apparently you are falling behind women. Guys drop out of school more, get less education, and are more likely to be in special-ed school streams. They also are getting worse at face to face interactions, requiring constant stimulation and arousal, and becoming addicted to ... well, basically everything. But most of all, they are getting addicted to arousal. Apparently the internet makes it too easy to find that, and they are suffering in romantic relationships because those relationships develop gradually and steadily. Also, women seems to expect them to last. Arousal isn't like that, whether it comes from video games or porn or any other source. Philip Zimbardo says that  the only people who should care about this are "Parents of boys. And girls. Educators, gamers, film makers, and women who would like a real man who they can talk to [and] who can dance ..." Shit.

My Take-Away - Sometimes I feel like I was born in the wrong era. My dad and my godfather and my honourary uncles were all born in the generation sometime between the time of chivalry and when feminism caught on as a common mind-set. They have this mix between believing and respecting women as complete equals but they also are chivalrous enough to hold the door open for a lady. Basically, I need a man who is from my parents' generation but my age. Ha.

This video was actually very amusingly delivered (and is less than five minutes long, so you can likely afford to watch it). I think he made some good points, especially about the internet and the pervasiveness of pornography. A generation ago, there was no such thing as the internet. People read books, and wrote letters, and spoke on the phone, and met face-to-face. I think it's sad that we're losing that. And apparently it's also having some pretty scary effects [which, I'm certain, are not limited only to boys].
I love snail mail. And phone conversations. But most of all, I love getting together with people. Reading their body language and facial expressions - most of the communication comes from those anyway. I don't want to lose those in the convenience of technology.

30 days to change my ways

Challenge Day 9. Click here to read about the challenge that I am doing and why I started. Everything will make so much more sense if you do.

Video of the day - Matt Cutts: Try something new for 30 days. [Click here to watch the video on ted.com]

Thumbnail quote - "The next 30 days are going to pass whether you like it or not, so why not think about something you have always wanted to try and give it a shot for the next 30 days?” (Matt Cutts)

Why I chose this video - As this challenge is a 30 day-er, it seemed appropriate. Plus, I like the thumbnail quote. Time passes whether we like it or not. It's up to us whether we use the passing time to try new things or learn something or otherwise utilize the time instead of waste it.

Summary - Hilariously, Matt Cutts felt like he was stuck in a rut. [Sounds familiar]. So he decided to try new challenges for 30 days. He tried things such as writing a novel in a month, or biking to work, or giving up sugar, or getting in shape. Applicably, 30 days is about the amount of time it takes to make, or break, a habit. He said he found himself expanding his horizons and trying new things. A fringe benefit of the challenges was that he appreciated and absorbed and remembered the time better - he didn't let moments slip away.

My Take-Away - Oh what a lovely thing to find. I have been contemplating what I will do after I finish this challenge. Since the whole point of doing this is to challenge myself and grow and learn, and it all stems out of a fear that I will stagnate and lose sight of my goals, it's nice to know that other people do these things too. It also feels like encouragement to keep challenging myself to do and learn new things. Maybe I won't do a new challenge every 30 days, but a couple times a year seems like a great idea. 30 days is bearable - if you hate it, you're done in a month. If you love it, you can keep it for the rest of your life. How amazing.

True to my roots

Challenge Day 8 - If you don't already know, go here for an explanation of what this challenge is and why I'm doing it. This whole thing will make a lot more sense if you do.

On a side note, I have been to a doctor to find out that my coughing is "bronchitis" and have been prescribed antibiotics and codeine cough syrup. Hopefully these things help, because I'm pretty sure I've bruised all of my ribs. Coughing hurts so much!

Video of the day - Vikram Patel: Mental health for all by involving all. Click this link to see the video. (http://www.ted.com/talks/vikram_patel_mental_health_for_all_by_involving_all.html)

Thumbnail quote - "We need to deliver [mental] health care using whoever is available and affordable in our local communities.” (Vikram Patel)

Why I chose this video - I'm sticking to what I know on this one. If you aren't aware, I'm a nurse and I work in a critical care setting of a hospital close to our downtown core, so mental health issues are something I deal with every day. Be it addiction, depression, personality disorders, cognitive delay, psychotic disorders, or any combination of the above, we get it all up on our unit. They are just part of our day-to-day.
It makes me really sad to see the number of people who we fight tooth and nail to save their bodies, but their mental health is so neglected because you can't physically see it. What many people fail to realize is that even the "serious" disorders like schizophrenia and bipolar disorder can be stabilized and managed fairly well with early and consistent intervention.
There are few of us who don't know somebody who technically has mental health issues - tack on autism spectrum disorders, learning disabilities or delays, turrets, and anxiety disorders to the list above, you'd be hard pressed to find someone who doesn't know somebody who meets the criteria. So in truth, it affects us all.

Summary - Vikram Patel is a psychiatrist from India who has studied the delivery (or lack thereof) of mental health care around the world. An estimated 400-500 million people live with mental illness. We know, from many studies, that treatment with medication, psychological and social interventions are incredibly effective. And yet, up to 90% of persons with mental health issues go without treatment, for a multitude of reasons. Beyond that, those with mental illness have to fight against the prejudices and discriminations of people who simply do not understand. What a battle they fight.
One of the biggest reasons for the gap in treatment is due to a huge shortage of trained mental health workers. Something that he points out is that people with mental illness/disorders live significantly shorter lives, up to twenty years less in developed countries and even more in developing areas of the world.
Vikram launched a study to research whether or not the people who are available - community members and lay people - could be trained to effectively provide a range of health care interventions. The results were overwhelmingly positive! For example, inter-personal psychotherapy delivered by lay-persons in a community in Zimbabwe demonstrated a 90% recovery rate when compared with a 45% of non-treated villagers; a success by any standard!
Generally, this talk was to encourage the use of the available workforce who are already where people in need are - community members, volunteers, and "untrained" workers. With basic training and guidance, these people can deliver affordable and effective health care with wonderful results. So why don't we use it? If we want health for all, we need to involve all.

My Take-Away -Excellent points, Vikram, excellent points. I may be a health care professional, highly trained to provide very specific care, but I am not against the training of lay people to do what I can't. There are only so many doctors and nurses and psychologists and other professionals and we cannot do it all, especially in countries where there are even fewer of us! We can use all the help we can get! And if that help is effective and (ahem) cheaper than what we would provide, then why the hell not?
I will end with Vikram's own words - take a moment to think about the person (or persons) who came to mind when you read the list of mental disorders near the start of this blog entry. Dare to care for them.

The forgotten

Ha. When I finished my degree in April, I basically just let all of my knowledge of how to be a student drain right out of my head. Now I am taking a course (adult critical care) and have a quiz tomorrow, for which I am verr nervous, and can't seem to study. It's like I've forgotten how.

I actually have to do well in this course to keep my job ... so ... that's a good enough reason to postpone a TED review for the day, right?

...

Racing time

Challenge Day 7: If you don't already know, go here to read about this challenge and why I am doing it.

Video of the day - Phil Borges on endangered cultures (http://www.ted.com/talks/phil_borges_on_endangered_cultures.html)

Thumbnail quote - "Of the 6,000 languages spoken on Earth right now, 3,000 aren’t spoken by the children. In one generation, we’re going to halve our cultural diversity.” (Phil Borges)

Why I chose this video - I greatly fear that culture will slip away while I am too busy doing other things, like working and saving money. I worry that landmarks or cities or people or experiences will be over before I can get there - like Venice will sink or the Inca Trail and Machu Picchu will be closed to tourists or the ancient wonders will fall into disrepair. What if I miss them? Looking at somebody else's photographs is not even comparable to experiencing something for yourself. I want to be there, to feel the awe in my soul at these amazing things. I do not want parts of culture to disappear, to be lost to the ages.

Summary - Strangely, I feel that this talk was poorly named. It was more about photographer Phil Borges' (lots of talks by these guys, hey?) travels and the things he's seen. He smuggled photos of the Dalai Lama into Tibet (an imprisonable offence) and took portraits of some of the people he met there. He discussed how the Dalai Lama had been exiled from his country for 46 years (52, now) and yet still preaches a message of peace and treating your enemies like a precious jewel. [So contrary to the Western notion of get 'em back].
He's been to South America and spent time with some of the most famously violent tribes (who are, by the way, only violent to intruders with malicious intent, i.e. the oil companies) who still fight with spears and blow-guns, to the area of Pakistan that is close to the Afghanistani border, and to the far north of North America.
Phil has started a group that partners up American classes with classes in indigenous communities. They have (at least) fifteen sites in five countries, and part of what they do is teach digital story telling - telling the stories of cultures that are disappearing. He shows one video made by a 19 year old in Guatemala about a severe mudslide that happened in his village. Hundreds were buried alive, and this young man still talks about having faith, and hope, and believing that everything is possible.

My Take-Away - I'm honestly not quite sure. This talk wasn't as inspiring or intense as many I have watched. I was blown away by the reminder of the Dalai Lama's commitment to peace, despite the fact that he cannot return to his own country. I was saddened by the stories about these small cultural groups in South America and the Middle East who are losing their cultures due to the seismic expansion of Westernization. And I was amazed that a young man who witnessed so much suffering and strife could still speak of faith and hope and everything being possible.
The ability of people like that hold on to their beliefs, to hold so strongly to the core of who they are despite the circumstances and events that rock them in this lifetime, is incredible.

Each and every one

Challenge Day 6: Still feeling crappy and building abs of steel through about 10,000 fits of a hacking cough a day [driving my co-workers craaazzyyy!], but I am determined to pick up where I left off!

(Go here http://erasethehorizon.blogspot.ca/2012/09/challenging-myself.html  to read the explanation of this challenge and why I'm doing it)

Video of the day - Giles Duley: When a reporter becomes the story (http://www.ted.com/talks/giles_duley_when_a_reporter_becomes_the_story.html)

Thumbnail quote - Not provided, but I'll make my own: "What I want to talk about is the importance of stories ... By listening to other people's stories, I think we can learn about the world, about other people, and get a better understanding."

Why I chose this video - There was a picture of Giles next to the video and, quite frankly, I was curious how a triple amputee could be a reporter. And I got my answer reading his bio - he became an amputee because he was a reporter. Again, it comes down to my interest in social justice, politics, and world events. I just can't get enough.

Summary - Giles Duley was a famous fashion and music photographer [side note: how do you photograph music?] who always had the nagging feeling that he wasn't using his talents in the best way he could. Giles gave up photography and his first job afterwards was as a personal care worker for a young man with very severe autism. Through his time with this young man, Giles came to realize that he could use his talent for photography to tell the stories that weren't being recognized.
Giles traveled around the world. He went to photograph the Rohingya in Burma, and set up a station in which he wanted to take portraits and record the person's story. When hundreds of people showed up, he tried to explain to the village elder that he was not a doctor and couldn't help them. The elder said to him, "They know you are not a doctor. It's really important because somebody is now telling their story."
He went on to spend time with homeless youth in Ukraine, and spent time with troops in Afghanistan. It was there that he stepped on a land-mine and became a triple amputee. After losing both legs and the majority of his left arm, he felt as if his life-work had come to an end, but then he realized that photography was only the tool he had been using to tell stories. He had simply become his own story, a story that would show others what war does to people.
"I think that's what's really key [is this]: we can all make a difference. Everybody here has an ability to use something to make a difference to the world. We can all sit in front of the TV and go 'I don't know what to do about it' and forget about it. The reality is we can all do something. It might just be writing a letter. It might be standing on a soapbox and talking. It might be recording somebody's story and telling it to somebody else. But every single one of us, if we want to make a difference - we can. "

My Take-Away - What more is there to say? I suppose that the belief that everyone can make a difference is something I believe in, and believe in strongly.
I saw a meme once [please don't judge me] that said "Think one tiny person can't make a difference in this world? Try sleeping with one mosquito in your room!" Which is true - I know that if there is a mosquito in my room, I will spend 30 minutes hunting that little bugger down and squashing it because I know the buzzing will wake me up if I don't.
The question remains, however, exactly how one person goes about making enough racket in this world to make a difference. Mind you, my heroes (Corrie Ten Boom, Martin Luther King Jr, Bishop Desmond Tutu, Aung San Suu Kyi, Mahatma Gandhi, Nelson Mandela, Mother Theresa, the Dalai Lama, Stephen Lewis, Eleanor Roosevelt, and many others) are all individuals who have made great impact on the world. They held adamantly to their beliefs, worked diligently, and many of them made great sacrifices. To be willing to give up your freedom, or your comfort, or your life for your beliefs - for what you fight for to be worth dying for - how can that not make an impact?
I don't know that I have what it takes to sacrifice myself for what I believe, but I hope that I can at least hold to my convictions firmly enough to make some kind of difference. To fight apathy, ignorance, and hatred in my life and in the lives of those close to me, to remain educated about that which happens around me, to make informed decisions about how I live my life, to be involved in the world, to be passionate. These are tenets to which I am prepared to hold. The philosophy of my life to be that I will care about my life, my beliefs, my world, even when it hurts. To that, I will commit.

Losing the battle

Humidifier set up in my room: check

Tissue box and garbage: check

Cozy pyjamas: check

Water bottle and throat lozenges next to my bed: check

Crawling into bed before 10pm on a Saturday: check

Yup. I am sick. I started coughing about a week ago and I've tried to fight it (lots of sleep, plenty of fluids, multi-vitamin, vitamin C, vitamin D, and zinc) but I am just getting worse. I feel like I'm dragging my body through a very viscous time zone. I must have picked up one very robust virus somewhere.

And clearly not making a lot of sense. My challenge (TED Talks) will have to be continued tomorrow.

*Wheeze* *Cough cough*

Can you wait for it?

Day 5 - Honestly didn't feel like writing today, but day five seems like a pitiful day to quit a thirty day challenge. Although, if I'm honest, it's probably about average for things that I quit .... I'm trying to be better, so onward!

Video of the day - Joachim de Posada: Don't eat the marshmallow! (http://www.ted.com/talks/joachim_de_posada_says_don_t_eat_the_marshmallow_yet.html)

Thumbnail quote - None provided.

Why I chose this video - [today I wrote this before actually watching the video] I was intrigued by the title. Yup. What kind of valuable advice can that possibly be? Don't eat the arsenic - makes sense. Skip over the cyanide? Obvious. Avoid excessive amounts of fatty or sugary or processed foods? Logical. But what on earth did marshmallows do to receive such prejudice? I have to know.

Summary - Alright. I have been duped. This talk was about messing with little kids' minds. It's all about delayed gratification. Oh shoot ... and as I'm typing this, I'm realizing this actually does have application in my life. Dang. Anyhow. It has to do with the experiment of putting four-year-olds in a room and giving them a marshmallow. The child is told that the researcher will be back in 15 minutes and if the marshmallow is still there, they will get another marshmallow and can eat both. 2/3 children eat the marshmallow.
When researchers followed up with these kids later in life, almost all of the people who came from the group that did NOT eat the marshmallow in advance (the 1/3) were developing well, secure, confident, making life-plans, and had good relationships. On the other hand, a huge percentage of the kids who ate the first marshmallow (the 2/3) had trouble in school, dropped/failed out, problems with the law, and poor relationships.

My Take-Away - Hrm. Yet another thing I am not too good at - delayed gratification. It's certainly something that I am already working on. Obviously, it's too late to test and see which group I would have been in, but I would guess the 2/3. I still passed school, consider myself mostly secure and successful in my life, and have great relationships with my friends and families. But I struggle with patience. I struggle with waiting. I have a hard time reminding myself that no matter how great this marshmallow might taste right NOW, the two marshmallows will be even better fifteen minutes down the road.

If only all of my waiting were only for fifteen minutes ...

Be vulnerable

Day 4

I am not somebody who openly shares of themself. I mean, I do in some ways. I am outgoing and comfortable with people - family, friends, strangers - and I can talk to just about anybody about just about anything. Lots of people would tell you they know me, but, in reality, they know the me that I have carefully revealed to them in measured amounts. Few people have seen me unguarded. In fact, just the other day I decided to be all brave and post the link to this blog on my facebook ... I pulled it down within five minutes and told people that they'd have to ask me for it if they wanted to read. It feels like sharing too much of me.

I despise being vulnerable, and yet I feel so all the time.

Video of the day - Brené Brown: The power of vulnerability (http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html)

Thumbnail quote - "Maybe stories are just data with a soul.” (Brené Brown)

Why I chose this video - As aforementioned, I'm not a big fan of being vulnerable. So when I saw the title I thought to myself, "What? How can being vulnerable be a powerful experience?" and I had to watch. When I got to this line: "... excruciating vulnerability. This idea that in order for connection to happen, we have to allow ourselves to be seen." I was hooked. I had to know how it ended. I'm not sure I have ever felt so strongly that people should watch a TED talk. If you're going to watch just one, watch this one. I don't feel that I cover even half of the wisdom she had to share in this post.

Summary - Discussing shame, fear, connection, authenticity, loneliness, worthiness, love, and belonging, Brené Brown covers the topic of vulnerability from a full perspective of angles. A social worker who originally set out to study human connection, she consistently ran into the concept of shame and unworthiness. What underpinned this sense of not being good enough was vulnerability. But the people who struggled with shame and fought to avoid vulnerability also struggled with connection. In order to make valuable human connection, you have to share of yourself, which leaves you incredibly vulnerable. As she says, "The original definition of courage was to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart."
Her goal was to 'outsmart' vulnerability - find a way to make human connections without having to stand on the edge. It didn't exactly work out the way she planned. She spent years evoking people's incredibly intimate stories of their life connections and kept running into subjects that she described as 'whole-hearted', who had a sense of worthiness. In further narrowing her study to this specific group, to find out what made them who they are, she made some discoveries that were uncomfortable for her to embrace. "There was only one variable that separated the people who have a strong sense of love and belonging and the people who really struggle for it. And that was that the people who have a strong sense of love and belonging believe they are worthy of love and belonging. That's it."
She talks about learning to be willing to let go of who you think you should be in order to accept who you are. You have to learn to live with vulnerability, to embrace it as the birth place of joy, creativity, belonging and love.

My Take-Away - So, truly, I think this may be the best TED Talk I have ever watched and I urge you to take the time to absorb it. Simultaneously, I hated this talk. I hated it because it reminds me of something that I already know, but wish I didn't: In order to make connections, to live my dreams, to find love and joy, I have to share of myself, take risks, and be vulnerable. Ick. She said a lot of great and wise things (watch it!), but I will focus on this topic specifically.

When sharing about the group she called 'whole-hearted', Brené made this statement: "They believed that what made them vulnerable, made them beautiful ... they talked about [vulnerability] being necessary. The willingness to say 'I love you' first; the willingness to do something where there are no guarantees; to be willing to invest in a relationship that may or may not work out. They thought this was fundamental." I am uneasy about this one. I don't know that what makes me vulnerable is what makes me beautiful. But perhaps the point is that I am not the best person to judge that. I know that I tend to judge myself harshly, so maybe I need to share those vulnerable pieces and let someone else tell me what they are, how they see them. Even just sharing this blog with people in my life feels vulnerable. Saying my dreams outright, knowing that I might never live up to them, allowing this to live as a record that I failed. I don't know if it's for the best.

I do know, however, that it is hard to be the first one to say I love you; to commit to something with no guarantees; to invest in anything that could break without warning; to leave yourself with no safety-net. And yet, doing those things sounds so whole-hearted to me. Come hell or high water. All in. Full Monty. No holds barred. Come what may, taking the consequences - both good and bad. Living a vulnerable, but connected, life.

For the dreamers

Most people know a famous tune by Mr. John Lennon where he describes the world he imagines. "Nothing to kill or die for", "all the people living life in peace", "the world will live as one". I don't know why that was in my head, but it was. It ends up being somewhat applicable. Maybe.

Video of the day - JK Rowling: The fringe benefits of failure (http://www.ted.com/talks/jk_rowling_the_fringe_benefits_of_failure.html) [You can start at 3:07 if you want to skip her introduction]

Thumbnail quote - [not provided for this video] This isn't actually a 'normal' TED video, but a commencement speech given by Ms. Rowling that was posted on the TED website.

Why I chose this video - Because I love Harry Potter. Seriously. The first book came out when I was in late-elementary and I remember waiting anxiously for each sequential novel, needing to know NOW what happened to Harry and his friends. Love or hate the book (or premise), I think she is a great writer and I was intrigued to hear what she would give as advice to new graduates. There is so much wisdom in the generations above my own, wisdom that I think is often scoffed away by people my own age. I would like to learn from the mistakes of others and this talk seemed to be about something I fear greatly - failure.

Summary - Ms. Rowling is speaking to Harvard graduates - hardly your run-of-the-mill graduation, but I think her advice remains applicable. Her speech comes in two major parts: 1) She begins by talking about how failure is inevitable (*gulp*) and how she spent many years as a quote-unquote 'failure'. After a failed marriage, she was a single-mom with no money to speak of, and no real career, just a dream to write a novel. But she talks about how her failure, although incredibly dark and painful, forced her to stop pretending to be anything but herself, and she was able to discover a determination she didn't know she possessed. Rowling states, "... rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life." She states that everyone will fail at some points (unless you live so cautiously that you never truly live), but you can choose to use failure as a door, as an illuminator, as a set of lessons you couldn't learn any other way.
2) The importance of imagination: Rowling spent her early graduate years working for Amnesty International (AI) in London. She speaks about being introduced to the horrors that humans are capable of inflicting on one another in a brutal battle for power, about being reminded of how fortunate she was to live where she did. However, she also loved how AI used the power of human empathy moved to action to change the lives of others. "Unlike any other creature on this planet, human beings can learn without ever having experienced ... if you choose to use your status and influence to raise your voice on behalf of those who have no voice; if you choose to identify not only with the powerful but with the powerless; if you retain the ability to imagine yourself into the lives of those who do not have your advantages - then it will not only be your proud families who celebrate your existence but thousands and millions of people whose reality you have helped change. We do not need magic to transform our world. We carry all the power we need inside ourselves already. We have the power to imagine better."

My Take-Away - As it pertains to failure, this is a topic I do not like. I hate to be wrong (just ask anyone who knows me!). I despise the thought of future failures. Regardless, it is an inevitable part of life - JK is certainly right about that. But choosing and learning to use the darkness to conquer fears, find yourselves, and start over is a powerful thought that I hope will hold me through my most inconsequential and momentous failures.
The second portion of the talk seems to follow my most recent theme. The most powerful line for me was this: "Those who choose not to empathize enable real monsters ... we collude with it through our own apathy." I would rather fail, and fail dramatically, than succumb to the seductress known as apathy. Perhaps it is less painful to shut out the unhappy and negative that this world offers so readily and endlessly in such copious amounts, but how much less of a person would I be without my compassion? To be both aware of the world around you and empathetic can be a heavy burden - but that's where imagination comes in. John Lennon imagined. Martin Luther King Jr. had a dream. Gandhi believed in being the embodiment of change. Nelson Mandela cherished ideas of equality and freedom. It goes on and on.

My imagination is plenty active. Give me a problem, I'll give you a dream. If we all dreamt together, couldn't we fix so much of the wrong?

Before I die

First, please go to the bottom of the post and play the embedded video as you read this post. It's applicable. I promise.

Video of the day - Candy Chang: Before I die, I want to ...(http://www.ted.com/talks/candy_chang_before_i_die_i_want_to.html)

Thumnail quote -"Preparing for death is one of the most empowering things you can do. Thinking about death clarifies your life.” (Candy Chang)

Why I chose this video - Isn't that something we all think about? We all have our 'bucket lists'; all the things we want to do and see and accomplish before they are no longer an option. I, personally, have never written mine out but I definitely have a running list in my head [and my heart]. It's something I'm scared of, part of why I'm doing this challenge - because I'm terrified that if I lose momentum I will miss out on or forget or never get around to accomplishing my dreams.

Summary - In an effort to connect with her neighbours and neighbourhood (in New Orleans), Candy has started community initiatives to improve her area and the residents lives. She has used simple tools like stickers on vacant buildings asking people what they want to see there. One of her initiatives was to turn an abandoned house into a giant chalkboard with the statements "Before I die, I want to ..." and then there was space, and chalk, for people to fill in the blank. It filled up - "finish school", "straddle the international date line", "plant a tree", "be somebody's cavalry", "hold her one more time", and on and on! She talks about knowing you're not alone, reflecting on what really matters, and realizing how similar we all are. 

My Take-Away - Wow. Besides the fact that this emphasizes how similar we all are (in that we all have dreams and aspirations) it really got me thinking. If I have to boil it down to one thing, what do I want to do before I die? There are so many things! Travel the world, have a family of my own, get a master's degree, work for an international group, learn to have more patience and compassion, make my family proud, and, and, and ... I was walking back from my parents' place and thinking on this, and I think I can summarize it like this: Before I die, I want to make an impact on the world in which I live. I have to admit I almost giggled when the thought crossed my mind - what a crazy idea! There isn't exactly a manual for how to go about doing that, no set of step-by-step instructions; but maybe that dream is made up of all of my other hopes and ambitions. 

The song below is one I first heard about a year ago. The words are powerful, and hard, because they demand action. They demand courage and strength, things I often feel I lack. And yet, I love the song because it is a challenge. A demand for me to do something more - for me to give it my best; my real best.

Candy finishes up with this statement: "People around us can not only help us make better places, they can help us make better lives." I love that, because it's basically what this challenge is all about. I am watching videos about other people and their lives and, through it, trying to better my own.

So, I must ask: What do you want to do before you die? 


 

Challenging myself

I read an article yesterday that included a comment along the lines of  "the habits you build now are the ones that will stay with you the rest of your life "

It really hit home for me. I've heard it before, but I guess I realized that the 'now' in that statement literally means now. I have a birthday coming up in a month, and with so many changes in recent months, I have been pondering how to pursue my dreams as I get old[er]. I finished one leg of the journey (get degree, get hired) and am working on another (get experience) but I don't know what the next step will be. And I've been thinking, how do I continue to grow as a person when my life has settled into a pattern or normality? The answer, I think, is to keep challenging myself to be better. To learn more, do things, try something new, find ways to grow. These are some of the habits I want to take with me for the rest of my life.

So I came up with a challenge for myself. In the next month I will watch (at least) one TED Talk per day. If you've never heard of TED, I highly recommend checking it out: www.ted.com. TED is a non-profit organization that believes in Ideas Worth Spreading, so they've compiled video talks from many, many different areas into one website. You can watch videos on scientific discoveries, humanitarian efforts, artistic ideas, comedy, etc. Pretty much anything you might be interested in learning more about.

For most of these videos, there is a profound moment of inspiration. At least for me. I find that these videos challenge me to be better, to strive to learn more, and to pursue my dreams even when I have no idea how. Inspiration is such a crucial part of keeping hold of what you want. And thus the challenge: one video per day, to be linked onto this blog with a brief summary of the content, why I chose it, and what I took away from it. 30 days, 30 videos. Here we go.

Video of the day - Lisa Kristine: Photos that bear witness to modern slavery (http://www.ted.com/talks/lisa_kristine_glimpses_of_modern_day_slavery.html)

Thumbnail quote (provided by TED) - "There are more than 27 million people enslaved in the world today — that's double the amount of people taken from Africa during the entire trans-Atlantic slave trade.” (Lisa Kristine)
 
Why I chose this video - I was intrigued by the title. As a person who is interested in the UN and NGOs and the MDGs (which are and will be an epic failure, but that is another topic) and general global strife, discussions about modern slavery are all it takes to suck me in. I want to be knowledgeable about the world around me, and not just the comfortable, uncomplicated, familiar parts.

Summary - Lisa Kristine is a photographer who has travelled around the world. She stumbled upon the modern world of slavery mostly by accident and currently works with a NGO called Free The Slaves. She spent an entire year travelling from country to country, photographing slaves in a variety of trades: mining, bricks, textiles, sex, gold, and others. In this talk she introduces us to some of these people, tells the story, and makes it clear that slavery, although illegal the world over, is a thriving business.

My Take-Away - "I truly believe that if we can see one another as fellow human beings, then it becomes very difficult to tolerate atrocities like slavery." I think that's the heart of it, ain't it? It's easy to ignore things when you don't understand them or feel them in your soul. But when it's next to your skin, your heart, your mind, you can't just pretend it away.

I choose to feel these things on my skin, even when they hurt. A domani.

Sound the Alarm

I have an incredibly talented friend named Shy Sharity.

I met Shy years ago (I think ... 8 years?) and we were insta-friends. You know those people who you just connect with immediately? You've known them for a few days or weeks and you feel like you've known them your whole life and you spill your emotional guts to them and feel totally safe? Shy is one of those people for me. Cumulatively we've spent about  ... five weeks together (we live far apart) but I trust her implicitly. She is electric.

Anyway, she is a musician. She's been releasing covers recently, which is great, but her real talent lies in her own music. She is a great writer. And she has finally released a video with one of her original songs! She worked with some musicians in Toronto to tweak the tune and lyrics, but the core of this song is her own. Please take a listen - she is so great. The song is catchy and upbeat - just like Shy! Miss you, love.


If you want to watch this video on youtube, here's the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ASySQosbFFw&feature=plcp

Here and Now

I find cemetaries extremely peaceful. Perhaps that is strange, but it's true.

This morning I headed over to the cemetary near my house to place flowers at my grandparent's columbarium. It's the first time I've visited since their urns were placed side-by-side and the marker was engraved and attached to the front. There is a bench fairly close the the columbarium and I sat down for awhile, amidst the gravestones and columns, enjoying the sunshine and thinking about how lucky I was to have John and Irene as my grandparents.

It's a bit of a walk from the entrance of the cemetary to the column, and while I was walking I was trying to figure out why I find visiting this cemetary so peaceful. I came this this conclusion: the circle of life is unstoppable - there is nothing we can do to hold death off forever - so all we can do is relax into it.

I spend so much of my life being busy, and rushing around, and trying to make all of the things I want happen right NOW. But what am I running for? Perhaps rushing allows you to have more experiences, but if you don't savour them as they happen, how can you enjoy them? Are they even worth having? Also, the faster we push on, the faster things are over, including the great experiences.

There are a lot of things I want and a lot of things I want to do, but remembering that there is only one way to get off this ferris wheel called life, I want to enjoy the time I have. I need to enjoy and appreciate and love and savour the time I get. Even if I want more things in the future (and will plan appropriately for them), I need to learn to live in the present. The future will come fast enough, and I will keep planning for it, but I'm going to work on enjoying the here and now.

Summer skies

I have a lot of friends who would choose autumn or winter as their favourite season. I am not one of those people. Summer is the season for me - long days, blue skies with white fluffy clouds, warm weather, festivals (we are the city of festivals, afterall), and sunshine - always has been. The best part of summer? The lack of sleep!

Staying up until uncomfortably late on a week night, throwing responsibility to the wind, uncaring of how few hours are between you and your morning alarm. Bonfires and marshmellows and beer and friends and laughing and hot dogs and stories. I love late summer nights with friends. The next morning always hurts, but it's almost always worth it. Last night I didn't get home until almost three in the morning. My sister woke me up three and a half hours later. Utterly painful, but I wouldn't have done it differently.

These things don't happen in the winter. Winter is the season for hot drinks inside, fuzzy blankets, and snuggling up in bed with tea and a great book. And those things are wonderful, but summer is just so great.

I'm just sayin'.

Hanging by a thread

I don't understand myself.

I feel like I can't even figure myself out, sort out my own emotions, understand why I'm feeling the way I do. I felt one way and it made sense to me, but now I feel differently and I can't figure out why. I've been trying to rationalize my way out of this slump, but you know emotions - they don't care about logic.

Not understanding myself scares me. How could I ever expect to understand somebody else, or hope for somebody to understand me when I'm totally floored and confused by my own self?

There is thunder cracking and rumbling outside; thunder storms often make me feel melancholy, which is probably why I am feeling down and confused. I honestly feel like I would like to have a good cry (I'm not entirely sure what about) but I can't get out more than a tear or two.

I used to think that not crying would be so much better than being the cry-er that I am. I have discovered that this is not true. Crying is an outlet for all those emotions that we can't understand or change or fix. And so, I cannot comprehend why I feel the way I do, or cry about it to get it off my chest, but I can write about it.

And that's something.

The Conflict of Interest

Lying in bed, I was suddenly thinking quite hard about the topic of love. It's a huge topic- we're all obsessed with it! Books are written, plays scripted, movies produced, advertisements saturated - with love, or at least the image we expect to come hand-in-hand with it. It's everywhere, right from the time we're kids in school, on the playground - holding hands, hugging and kissing, to when we're adults - still holding hands, hugging and kissing. Girls discuss it to death and so, I would assume (as it's impossible for me to know for certain) do boys, though maybe not quite as much as girls. We all want it. We all feel that we need it, in one form or another. We love our families (hopefully), we learn to love our friends, and then we search for romance.

Obviously, people find both sorts of love (companionable and romantic), but how on earth does it work? It's incredibly illogical! Firstly, two people have to meet. Now, their criteria for relational other have to be at least partially in line with each others' (physical preferences, intelligent, unintelligent, witty, serious, hobbies, interests, dreams, aspirations, etc.). Next, they need some sort of connection - how do they get to know one another? Who has the courage to initiate the conversation and further the relationship? Trust has to be developed and there has to be some sort of spark (not just in romantic relationships). Some friendships don't work because two people just don't quite connect for no reason at all, so there has to be some element of chemistry (sorry for the bad pun). And then, if all this works out, it's a two way street. Both people have to work to keep a functional relationship/friendship alive and growing. Phew! The probabilities all stacked together don't seem favourable.

Another absurd thing is that the criteria for a friend, or even a "best" friend, is incredibly more relaxed than for that of a romantic relationship. With friendship it seems to be that we are far more willing to put things on the line, betting that this person won't let us down. It's more casual, letting things develop in their own time with less pressure or stress and seeing if, in actuality, this person is true friend material; And this can be incredibly beneficial, because the decreased concern allows the relationship to expand in its own right, giving us a real feel for who this person truly is. But why do we do that? Is it because we are more afraid of being hurt by someone we love romantically than by someone we are "merely" friends with? That seems wrong because it is arguable that our friends can hurt us equally as deeply as anyone because often they know us better than we even know ourselves. Is it because romantic love is above and beyond friend-love, giving it an even deeper depth? Arguably that certainly is not always the case, but it's a valid concern.

It seems so contradictory that the relationship we are most obsessed with finding is the one we are most cautious in developing. Instead of the openess and freedom of friendship, we throw up walls, play games, run in circles, and avoid letting that person know us. True, the more someone knows you the better armed they are to hurt you (either intentionally or not), but our closest friends possess the same weapons. So why do we hold back? Why do I hold back in letting someone I am interested in as more than a friend get to know me? Why do I participate in the stupid games and follow these unwritten rules of society thereby increasing the pressure on an already tough situation? Difficult to say. We throw up barriers as a self-protection mechanism but, really, we only damage ourselves.
That's a lot of thoughts without a solution - how do I step away from this practice that restricts how much I let the person I most want to know me get to see the real me? I have no answer. Le sigh.

[PS - did you catch the punny title?]

Sun Salutations

Breathe in. Breathe out.

I am angry. Very angry. I can say that I never should have expected the kind of consideration that I gave you [although you have no idea], because I was always the one encouraging you to be considerate. I can say that you should have been a grown-up about it. I can say that I would have been an adult about the whole thing. I can guess (fairly accurately, I think) that things could have been much better than they are. But you weren't considerate, nor an adult, which made it hard for me to know how to respond, and things were and are messy. Messier than they were a week ago.

Thus I am angry (so angry), but I really don't want to be. I want to let things go and be positive and happy. I'm doing my best to do that, but this is definitely a bit of a hitch in my giddy-up.

Breathe in. Breathe out.

I feel like me

The other day I was getting ready to leave the house and I stopped to look in the mirror, and I had this thought just hit me in the head: "I feel like me again."

Well, that got me thinking. While it was true, I surely felt like myself, it also seemed like a strange thing to think. When did I stop feeling like myself enough to fully realize the moment I returned to being me? I wish this wasn't true, but, upon reflection, I haven't felt like me in a long time.

I got out of a complicated relationship about seven months ago now, and I didn't realize it at the time, but I spent a lot of time in that relationship trying to be the version of myself that he wanted me to be. I hate that. I think that great relationships are the ones where both people try to make the other the best version of themselves, not just the version that's most convenient to live with or love. It wasn't that he was a bad guy or that it was a "bad" relationship. Mostly it was a case of being two very different people and trying to make it work when we should have just called it quits.

What scares me is that I didn't even realize that I had acted like someone else until I was looking in the mirror, experiencing a thrill because I felt like myself.

Although I am far from perfect, I like myself, and I want to be a great version of me. I don't want to be any version of someone else.