Life is for the Brave

The longer I live the truer I find that to be.

When I live safe, I live small. Life without chances or risks is predictable, and predictable is boring. The times in my life I am the most happy are when I'm gambling a little bit - work, vacation, romance, friendship - they are all high risk, high reward.

I was talking to a friend recently who made the point that I am very guarded in my relationships. Apparently I always follow up a vulnerable snippet of conversation with a joke or sarcasm - something to cover up my moment of openness. I was a little surprised (first, that this was the case and second, that he'd been so perceptive as to pinpoint this behaviour) but as we talked about it I both recognized the habit and was able to account for its origin.

Vulnerability never used to twist my guts the way it does now; I was much more free to share of myself with others. Sure, I got hurt (often, and badly), but the passion and accessibility of being so honest and exposed allowed me to connect very intensely with the people in my life. I didn't feel the need to shield myself with sarcasm or humour because I not only wanted but actively sought close friendships and connections.

That all changed around the time I turned 17. The details are unimportant, but I'm not exaggerating when I say that I got my heart broken (not by a boy) in a way that caused me to need a shell simply to survive. Even though I have learned to cope with and absorb that part of my history, I still feel the need to guard myself from ever experiencing anything even remotely similar.

I can have an abundance of both liking and love for people and then simply let them fade out of my life with minimal regret. After high school I said goodbye to all my friends and currently do not speak to any of them. It's not that we're on bad terms, I just let the friendships go. The same applies to the people from the Bible school I attended for three semesters, camp, past jobs, university, everywhere. There are a few friends who are a core part of me, but most of my friendships are ephemeral. And it truly isn't because I don't like the people or enjoy their company; I really believe it's because I don't let them see past the walls that I wear to keep myself safe.

The risk of connecting so easily and deeply with people is that you'll get hurt, and you do. Often. But, looking back, the potential rewards outweigh the negatives. I remember what it was like to share of myself so easily and openly. I remember what it was like to connect so well and so often. I remember what it was like to really know people, and know that they knew me (the real me) too. I miss it.

I used to think I would get smarter as I got older. This is not always the case. Turns out I have had this all wrong recently, and that I had it totally right as a kid. But the time has come to be brave, to be the me that I was before the walls and the transient relationships, because life is for the brave.

Solitude is Blessed

This girl is going to Paris in a little under five weeks!! I bought my plane ticket yesterday. I plan on also spending a week in Rome.

The last two weeks in May will be my only vacation this year and I was telling a friend who knows me very well that I wanted to go somewhere but didn't know anyone else with the same time off. This is the gist of how the conversation went:

Her: So? Go somewhere by yourself.

Me: By myself?! That's very intimidating.

Her: It's so romantic! You could absolutely do it. Where do you want to go? A beach or somewhere more lively?

Me: I don't think I want to go to on a beach vacation by myself ... maybe Paris?

Her: That would be amazing. Aaaaaaamazing! It's excellent timing for such a journey. Also excellent timing for a slightly impulsive decision, I think.

Me: A journey of self discovery.

Time for a confession: I have been putting my life on hold, avoiding planning the rest of my life, scared that my plans will be incompatible with a man who may never show up. It's so stupid, because I am a feminist and I don't believe that any woman needs a man. Simultaneously I don't think it is stupid because humans need and seek connection and a spouse/partner is, at a base level, simply an intimate friend who is there for the long haul. Regardless, I have been living the line from the song "World Spins Madly On" (by the Weepies): The whole world is moving, and I'm standing still. The time has come to get moving again.

Anyone who knows me will tell you that I'm an extrovert, and I am. I love to be around people and that is where I get my energy. Too much time alone usually leaves me exhausted and insecure. Although I am less extroverted than I was as a teenager, I am still dreadful at being alone. I get lost in the ocean of my own thoughts, over thinking every possible detail of every possible reflection in my head.

Yet here I am, committing to two weeks on my own - two weeks to learn to love my own company, to learn to be happy on my own regardless of what else is happening. Two weeks with my thoughts, my books, and my writing. Two weeks sitting alone at cafes, visiting museums and tourist sites by myself, eating in solitude, asking strangers to take photos of just me. 

I am scared. I am excited and nervous and anxious and thrilled to have this opportunity. There is a spoken-word poem on YouTube called 'How To Be Alone' and my favourite lines of it summarize what I hope to learn. I'll end with those words.

"But lonely is a freedom that breathes easy and weightless and lonely is healing if you make it ... Because if you're happy in your head then solitude is blessed and alone is okay."

- Tanya Davis

1-Year Anniversary

I cannot believe it.

One year ago I worked my last shift as a student nurse ... TIME FLIES!!! I never used to believe people when they told me a year was a short amount of time. My mistake.

I used to tell people that nursing school isn't something you do, it's something you survive - and I really meant it! It was a long four years full of readings, research, debt, papers, labs, late nights, early mornings, abbreviations, acronyms, hard science, memorization, word-play, philosophical thinking (and writing), self-reflection, bull-shitting, tears, joy, stress, love, and growth. You're taught to think in a brand new way and you learn skills you'll never need anywhere but at work. It spills over into every other area of your life - how you treat yourself and those you know, how you think about the world, how you make decisions - everything. It is hard freaking work and I remember it so clearly.

Yet, it feels like I blinked and a year passed. Although much has changed (new job [hell, a career!], new degree, new designation, new house, new plans, new roommates, new brother-in-law, new car) it feels like so much has stayed the same. Sure, I've grown up a lot in the last year (I had no idea how expensive it is to live!) but I don't really feel like I've moved all that far from where I was a year ago. I don't want to say it was a wasted year, because it wasn't, but I feel like maybe I should have gotten more done.

Perhaps I'm used to viewing a year as such a long period of time, when really the years fly by like credits at the end of the movie - you barely have time to actually even read them. Maybe I need to start looking at things in two-to-three years increments. Or maybe I just need to learn to accept that this is how life goes - flying on past - and all I can do is seize as many moments and catch as many words as I can.