I was raised in the church. When I was younger (about aged 11-17) I was extremely involved. For those seven-ish years I attended and taught Sunday school, volunteered and worked at summer day camps, attended and volunteered with the youth group, babysat the kids, worked in the nursery, helped to organize and run church functions and Christmas pageants, even served on the committee looking to hire a new youth pastor. I grew up there.
When I graduated, I moved away for a year and a half, and after moving back I realized that the church I had been attending was no longer a healthy place for me. I needed a place that fed me, not one that only absorbed my time and work. I have been looking for a home church ever since.
I must own to the fact that, in part, the length of my search is due to being particular in what I want, but part of it is due to the ways that I often feel that the capital-C-Church has betrayed the world, not to mention betraying God Himself. My personal struggle has never been one of doubting my faith. I am not someone who questions the existence of God, or the divinity of Jesus Christ. What I struggle with is scorn; scorn for the Church that scorned me while I was trying to figure out what it meant to be a believing adult in the 21st century. A Church that scorns those who I believe the man Jesus would most reach out to - the lost, the sick, the broken, the hurting. In His words, it's not the healthy who need a doctor.
Perhaps my tendency to face a fight with my fists up and my head held high has made things more difficult for me, but dogma and piety and self-righteousness and judgement of others make me sick to my stomach. I'm not so good at biting my tongue or turning a blind eye, either. I have found too many churches that want to separate 'us' (good, righteous, Christians who are going to heaven) and 'them' (heathens, dis-believers, homosexuals, sinners who are going to hell) in an effort to feel holy and good about themselves, and keep the undesirables out. And it's wrong. So incredibly wrong.
The second century Church was famous. Famous for the way they loved, for the way they cared for and fed and clothed each other, both physically and spiritually. They lived in the world without being of it. They didn't feel the need to justify themselves to popular culture - being relevant to pop culture or politics was a non-issue. They cared about sharing the news that their Saviour had died to share; died to make true. And they themselves were willing to die before betraying their Lord. Radical faith.
I do not expect perfection in a church. I do, however, want and need to find a group of people who are less concerned about judging 'them' and justifying 'us', and instead focus on knowing Him. A church should be a place where anyone (and I mean anyone) can find peace and a safe place to seek God, to learn about Christ, to make mistakes, to build a relationship with their Creator.
The following are the lyrics from the song "Holland Road" by Mumford & Sons. When listening to this song all I can hear is the way the Church has made me feel so many times - like my struggles are unacceptable. I want to love the Church, but it is so hard to love when you've been cut so deeply.
Holland Road
So I was lost
Go count the cost before you go to the Holland Road,
With your heart like a stone you spared no time in lashing out.
And I knew your pain and the effect of my shame, but you cut me down.
You cut me down.
And I will not tell the thoughts of hell
That carried me home from the Holland Road.
With my heart like a stone, I put up no fight
To your callous mind; and from your corner you rose to cut me down.
You cut me down.
So I hit my low.
Little did I know that would not be the end.
And from the Holland Road, well, I rose and I rose and
I paid less time to your callous mind,
And I wished you well as you cut me down.
You cut me down.
But I'll still believe, though there's cracks you'll see,
When I'm on my knees I'll still believe.
And when I've hit the ground, neither lost nor found,
If you'll believe in me I'll still believe.
And I still believe,
Though there's cracks you'll see.
When I'm on my knees I'll still believe; and when I've hit the ground,
Neither lost nor found,
If you'll believe in me I'll still believe.
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