I have an incredibly talented friend named Shy Sharity.
I met Shy years ago (I think ... 8 years?) and we were insta-friends. You know those people who you just connect with immediately? You've known them for a few days or weeks and you feel like you've known them your whole life and you spill your emotional guts to them and feel totally safe? Shy is one of those people for me. Cumulatively we've spent about ... five weeks together (we live far apart) but I trust her implicitly. She is electric.
Anyway, she is a musician. She's been releasing covers recently, which is great, but her real talent lies in her own music. She is a great writer. And she has finally released a video with one of her original songs! She worked with some musicians in Toronto to tweak the tune and lyrics, but the core of this song is her own. Please take a listen - she is so great. The song is catchy and upbeat - just like Shy! Miss you, love.
If you want to watch this video on youtube, here's the link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ASySQosbFFw&feature=plcp
Friday, August 31, 2012
Thursday, August 30, 2012
Here and Now
I find cemetaries extremely peaceful. Perhaps that is strange, but it's true.
This morning I headed over to the cemetary near my house to place flowers at my grandparent's columbarium. It's the first time I've visited since their urns were placed side-by-side and the marker was engraved and attached to the front. There is a bench fairly close the the columbarium and I sat down for awhile, amidst the gravestones and columns, enjoying the sunshine and thinking about how lucky I was to have John and Irene as my grandparents.
It's a bit of a walk from the entrance of the cemetary to the column, and while I was walking I was trying to figure out why I find visiting this cemetary so peaceful. I came this this conclusion: the circle of life is unstoppable - there is nothing we can do to hold death off forever - so all we can do is relax into it.
I spend so much of my life being busy, and rushing around, and trying to make all of the things I want happen right NOW. But what am I running for? Perhaps rushing allows you to have more experiences, but if you don't savour them as they happen, how can you enjoy them? Are they even worth having? Also, the faster we push on, the faster things are over, including the great experiences.
There are a lot of things I want and a lot of things I want to do, but remembering that there is only one way to get off this ferris wheel called life, I want to enjoy the time I have. I need to enjoy and appreciate and love and savour the time I get. Even if I want more things in the future (and will plan appropriately for them), I need to learn to live in the present. The future will come fast enough, and I will keep planning for it, but I'm going to work on enjoying the here and now.
This morning I headed over to the cemetary near my house to place flowers at my grandparent's columbarium. It's the first time I've visited since their urns were placed side-by-side and the marker was engraved and attached to the front. There is a bench fairly close the the columbarium and I sat down for awhile, amidst the gravestones and columns, enjoying the sunshine and thinking about how lucky I was to have John and Irene as my grandparents.
It's a bit of a walk from the entrance of the cemetary to the column, and while I was walking I was trying to figure out why I find visiting this cemetary so peaceful. I came this this conclusion: the circle of life is unstoppable - there is nothing we can do to hold death off forever - so all we can do is relax into it.
I spend so much of my life being busy, and rushing around, and trying to make all of the things I want happen right NOW. But what am I running for? Perhaps rushing allows you to have more experiences, but if you don't savour them as they happen, how can you enjoy them? Are they even worth having? Also, the faster we push on, the faster things are over, including the great experiences.
There are a lot of things I want and a lot of things I want to do, but remembering that there is only one way to get off this ferris wheel called life, I want to enjoy the time I have. I need to enjoy and appreciate and love and savour the time I get. Even if I want more things in the future (and will plan appropriately for them), I need to learn to live in the present. The future will come fast enough, and I will keep planning for it, but I'm going to work on enjoying the here and now.
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Summer skies
I have a lot of friends who would choose autumn or winter as their favourite season. I am not one of those people. Summer is the season for me - long days, blue skies with white fluffy clouds, warm weather, festivals (we are the city of festivals, afterall), and sunshine - always has been. The best part of summer? The lack of sleep!
Staying up until uncomfortably late on a week night, throwing responsibility to the wind, uncaring of how few hours are between you and your morning alarm. Bonfires and marshmellows and beer and friends and laughing and hot dogs and stories. I love late summer nights with friends. The next morning always hurts, but it's almost always worth it. Last night I didn't get home until almost three in the morning. My sister woke me up three and a half hours later. Utterly painful, but I wouldn't have done it differently.
These things don't happen in the winter. Winter is the season for hot drinks inside, fuzzy blankets, and snuggling up in bed with tea and a great book. And those things are wonderful, but summer is just so great.
I'm just sayin'.
Staying up until uncomfortably late on a week night, throwing responsibility to the wind, uncaring of how few hours are between you and your morning alarm. Bonfires and marshmellows and beer and friends and laughing and hot dogs and stories. I love late summer nights with friends. The next morning always hurts, but it's almost always worth it. Last night I didn't get home until almost three in the morning. My sister woke me up three and a half hours later. Utterly painful, but I wouldn't have done it differently.
These things don't happen in the winter. Winter is the season for hot drinks inside, fuzzy blankets, and snuggling up in bed with tea and a great book. And those things are wonderful, but summer is just so great.
I'm just sayin'.
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Hanging by a thread
I don't understand myself.
I feel like I can't even figure myself out, sort out my own emotions, understand why I'm feeling the way I do. I felt one way and it made sense to me, but now I feel differently and I can't figure out why. I've been trying to rationalize my way out of this slump, but you know emotions - they don't care about logic.
Not understanding myself scares me. How could I ever expect to understand somebody else, or hope for somebody to understand me when I'm totally floored and confused by my own self?
There is thunder cracking and rumbling outside; thunder storms often make me feel melancholy, which is probably why I am feeling down and confused. I honestly feel like I would like to have a good cry (I'm not entirely sure what about) but I can't get out more than a tear or two.
I used to think that not crying would be so much better than being the cry-er that I am. I have discovered that this is not true. Crying is an outlet for all those emotions that we can't understand or change or fix. And so, I cannot comprehend why I feel the way I do, or cry about it to get it off my chest, but I can write about it.
And that's something.
I feel like I can't even figure myself out, sort out my own emotions, understand why I'm feeling the way I do. I felt one way and it made sense to me, but now I feel differently and I can't figure out why. I've been trying to rationalize my way out of this slump, but you know emotions - they don't care about logic.
Not understanding myself scares me. How could I ever expect to understand somebody else, or hope for somebody to understand me when I'm totally floored and confused by my own self?
There is thunder cracking and rumbling outside; thunder storms often make me feel melancholy, which is probably why I am feeling down and confused. I honestly feel like I would like to have a good cry (I'm not entirely sure what about) but I can't get out more than a tear or two.
I used to think that not crying would be so much better than being the cry-er that I am. I have discovered that this is not true. Crying is an outlet for all those emotions that we can't understand or change or fix. And so, I cannot comprehend why I feel the way I do, or cry about it to get it off my chest, but I can write about it.
And that's something.
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
The Conflict of Interest
Lying in bed, I was suddenly thinking quite hard about the topic
of love. It's a huge topic- we're all obsessed with it! Books are
written, plays scripted, movies produced, advertisements saturated -
with love, or at least the image we expect to come hand-in-hand with it.
It's everywhere, right from the time we're kids in school, on the
playground - holding hands, hugging and kissing, to when we're adults -
still holding hands, hugging and kissing. Girls discuss it to death and
so, I would assume (as it's impossible for me to know for certain) do
boys, though maybe not quite as much as girls. We all want it. We all
feel that we need it, in one form or another. We love our families
(hopefully), we learn to love our friends, and then we search for
romance.
Obviously, people find both sorts of love (companionable and romantic), but how on earth does it work? It's incredibly illogical! Firstly, two people have to meet. Now, their criteria for relational other have to be at least partially in line with each others' (physical preferences, intelligent, unintelligent, witty, serious, hobbies, interests, dreams, aspirations, etc.). Next, they need some sort of connection - how do they get to know one another? Who has the courage to initiate the conversation and further the relationship? Trust has to be developed and there has to be some sort of spark (not just in romantic relationships). Some friendships don't work because two people just don't quite connect for no reason at all, so there has to be some element of chemistry (sorry for the bad pun). And then, if all this works out, it's a two way street. Both people have to work to keep a functional relationship/friendship alive and growing. Phew! The probabilities all stacked together don't seem favourable.
Another absurd thing is that the criteria for a friend, or even a "best" friend, is incredibly more relaxed than for that of a romantic relationship. With friendship it seems to be that we are far more willing to put things on the line, betting that this person won't let us down. It's more casual, letting things develop in their own time with less pressure or stress and seeing if, in actuality, this person is true friend material; And this can be incredibly beneficial, because the decreased concern allows the relationship to expand in its own right, giving us a real feel for who this person truly is. But why do we do that? Is it because we are more afraid of being hurt by someone we love romantically than by someone we are "merely" friends with? That seems wrong because it is arguable that our friends can hurt us equally as deeply as anyone because often they know us better than we even know ourselves. Is it because romantic love is above and beyond friend-love, giving it an even deeper depth? Arguably that certainly is not always the case, but it's a valid concern.
It seems so contradictory that the relationship we are most obsessed with finding is the one we are most cautious in developing. Instead of the openess and freedom of friendship, we throw up walls, play games, run in circles, and avoid letting that person know us. True, the more someone knows you the better armed they are to hurt you (either intentionally or not), but our closest friends possess the same weapons. So why do we hold back? Why do I hold back in letting someone I am interested in as more than a friend get to know me? Why do I participate in the stupid games and follow these unwritten rules of society thereby increasing the pressure on an already tough situation? Difficult to say. We throw up barriers as a self-protection mechanism but, really, we only damage ourselves.
That's a lot of thoughts without a solution - how do I step away from this practice that restricts how much I let the person I most want to know me get to see the real me? I have no answer. Le sigh.
[PS - did you catch the punny title?]
Obviously, people find both sorts of love (companionable and romantic), but how on earth does it work? It's incredibly illogical! Firstly, two people have to meet. Now, their criteria for relational other have to be at least partially in line with each others' (physical preferences, intelligent, unintelligent, witty, serious, hobbies, interests, dreams, aspirations, etc.). Next, they need some sort of connection - how do they get to know one another? Who has the courage to initiate the conversation and further the relationship? Trust has to be developed and there has to be some sort of spark (not just in romantic relationships). Some friendships don't work because two people just don't quite connect for no reason at all, so there has to be some element of chemistry (sorry for the bad pun). And then, if all this works out, it's a two way street. Both people have to work to keep a functional relationship/friendship alive and growing. Phew! The probabilities all stacked together don't seem favourable.
Another absurd thing is that the criteria for a friend, or even a "best" friend, is incredibly more relaxed than for that of a romantic relationship. With friendship it seems to be that we are far more willing to put things on the line, betting that this person won't let us down. It's more casual, letting things develop in their own time with less pressure or stress and seeing if, in actuality, this person is true friend material; And this can be incredibly beneficial, because the decreased concern allows the relationship to expand in its own right, giving us a real feel for who this person truly is. But why do we do that? Is it because we are more afraid of being hurt by someone we love romantically than by someone we are "merely" friends with? That seems wrong because it is arguable that our friends can hurt us equally as deeply as anyone because often they know us better than we even know ourselves. Is it because romantic love is above and beyond friend-love, giving it an even deeper depth? Arguably that certainly is not always the case, but it's a valid concern.
It seems so contradictory that the relationship we are most obsessed with finding is the one we are most cautious in developing. Instead of the openess and freedom of friendship, we throw up walls, play games, run in circles, and avoid letting that person know us. True, the more someone knows you the better armed they are to hurt you (either intentionally or not), but our closest friends possess the same weapons. So why do we hold back? Why do I hold back in letting someone I am interested in as more than a friend get to know me? Why do I participate in the stupid games and follow these unwritten rules of society thereby increasing the pressure on an already tough situation? Difficult to say. We throw up barriers as a self-protection mechanism but, really, we only damage ourselves.
That's a lot of thoughts without a solution - how do I step away from this practice that restricts how much I let the person I most want to know me get to see the real me? I have no answer. Le sigh.
[PS - did you catch the punny title?]
Monday, August 13, 2012
Sun Salutations
Breathe in. Breathe out.
I am angry. Very angry. I can say that I never should have expected the kind of consideration that I gave you [although you have no idea], because I was always the one encouraging you to be considerate. I can say that you should have been a grown-up about it. I can say that I would have been an adult about the whole thing. I can guess (fairly accurately, I think) that things could have been much better than they are. But you weren't considerate, nor an adult, which made it hard for me to know how to respond, and things were and are messy. Messier than they were a week ago.
Thus I am angry (so angry), but I really don't want to be. I want to let things go and be positive and happy. I'm doing my best to do that, but this is definitely a bit of a hitch in my giddy-up.
Breathe in. Breathe out.
I am angry. Very angry. I can say that I never should have expected the kind of consideration that I gave you [although you have no idea], because I was always the one encouraging you to be considerate. I can say that you should have been a grown-up about it. I can say that I would have been an adult about the whole thing. I can guess (fairly accurately, I think) that things could have been much better than they are. But you weren't considerate, nor an adult, which made it hard for me to know how to respond, and things were and are messy. Messier than they were a week ago.
Thus I am angry (so angry), but I really don't want to be. I want to let things go and be positive and happy. I'm doing my best to do that, but this is definitely a bit of a hitch in my giddy-up.
Breathe in. Breathe out.
Monday, August 6, 2012
I feel like me
The other day I was getting ready to leave the house and I stopped to look in the mirror, and I had this thought just hit me in the head: "I feel like me again."
Well, that got me thinking. While it was true, I surely felt like myself, it also seemed like a strange thing to think. When did I stop feeling like myself enough to fully realize the moment I returned to being me? I wish this wasn't true, but, upon reflection, I haven't felt like me in a long time.
I got out of a complicated relationship about seven months ago now, and I didn't realize it at the time, but I spent a lot of time in that relationship trying to be the version of myself that he wanted me to be. I hate that. I think that great relationships are the ones where both people try to make the other the best version of themselves, not just the version that's most convenient to live with or love. It wasn't that he was a bad guy or that it was a "bad" relationship. Mostly it was a case of being two very different people and trying to make it work when we should have just called it quits.
What scares me is that I didn't even realize that I had acted like someone else until I was looking in the mirror, experiencing a thrill because I felt like myself.
Although I am far from perfect, I like myself, and I want to be a great version of me. I don't want to be any version of someone else.
Well, that got me thinking. While it was true, I surely felt like myself, it also seemed like a strange thing to think. When did I stop feeling like myself enough to fully realize the moment I returned to being me? I wish this wasn't true, but, upon reflection, I haven't felt like me in a long time.
I got out of a complicated relationship about seven months ago now, and I didn't realize it at the time, but I spent a lot of time in that relationship trying to be the version of myself that he wanted me to be. I hate that. I think that great relationships are the ones where both people try to make the other the best version of themselves, not just the version that's most convenient to live with or love. It wasn't that he was a bad guy or that it was a "bad" relationship. Mostly it was a case of being two very different people and trying to make it work when we should have just called it quits.
What scares me is that I didn't even realize that I had acted like someone else until I was looking in the mirror, experiencing a thrill because I felt like myself.
Although I am far from perfect, I like myself, and I want to be a great version of me. I don't want to be any version of someone else.
Friday, August 3, 2012
Chick-fil-A, eh?
I know that I'm Canadian and therefore somewhat distanced from the whole Chick-fil-A debacle, but if I may ask: when did Christianity stop being about loving God and loving your neighbour (as per Jesus' words), and start being about supporting companies that actively support discrimination and fear-mongering? That kind of breaks my heart.
Maybe it's speaking out of turn, but I also think it breaks God's heart. One of the best tricks that evil has is to get us focused on the wrong thing, and this is a prime example. Instead of leaving God to judge (as we're supposed to), people try to take on the role and it just ends up messy and distracting. Instead of bringing people together, it draws lines in the sand and breeds hatred and bitterness. Why not focus on something more positive like, say, feeding the hungry, clothing the naked, caring for the sick, and visiting the lonely? You know - the kinds of things Jesus did while He walked on this planet ...
I feel that the capital-'C'-Church's energies could be spent on much more positive and helpful things that actually emulate Jesus Christ's example. He was pretty clear about what He wanted of His followers (called, ahem, Christians):
- Matthew 7:1-5 [do not judge]
- Matthew 21:28-32 [tax collectors and prostitutes who believe will enter the kingdom of heaven before the church leaders who do not believe or did not follow His word]
- Matthew 22: 35-40 ['Love the Lord your God ... Love your neighbout as yourself ...' - notice that He didn't say "except the prostitutes and homosexuals", who did exist in His day too]
- Matthew 25: 34-40 [What you do to 'to one of these brothers', you do to God - feed the hungry, invite the stranger in, clothe the naked, visit the sick, go to the prisoner]
- Luke 6: 27-37 [love your enemies while expecting nothing in return, be merciful, do not judge, and do not condemn]
- Luke 10: 25-28 [love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength. Love your neighbour as yourself - it warrants repeating]
- Luke 30-37 [The parable of the Good Samaritan who cares for the hurt Jew, at enormous personal cost to himself. Keep in mind that Samaritans were considered the lowest of the low in Jesus' day - righteous Jews wouldn't even talk to them, avoiding them at all costs. Sound familiar?]
- Luke 12: 33-34 [Sell your possessions and give to charity]
- John 8: 1-11 [The story of the adulterous woman who was to be stoned. Jesus said to let whoever was completely devoid of sin cast the first stone - no one could claim perfection; and Jesus said to the woman "I do not condemn you, either."]
- John 8: 31-32 [He tells His disciples to continue in His word]
- John 13: 12-15 [Jesus says He set an example, and tells His disciples to follow it]
- John 15: 12-17 [Jesus commands His disciples to love]
Those are just some examples. The over-arching story of Jesus is His gospel of love. Love. It's a big word that demands hard work and, often, sacrifice. I do not claim to be perfect at any of this - I sin as much as the next guy. But sin is sin is sin. There aren't "okay sins" and "bad sins", there's just sin. So my job is to do my best at getting to know Christ, and trying to be like Him. If He said love, I'll take that at face value. I will try my hardest to love.
I hope others will do the same.
Maybe it's speaking out of turn, but I also think it breaks God's heart. One of the best tricks that evil has is to get us focused on the wrong thing, and this is a prime example. Instead of leaving God to judge (as we're supposed to), people try to take on the role and it just ends up messy and distracting. Instead of bringing people together, it draws lines in the sand and breeds hatred and bitterness. Why not focus on something more positive like, say, feeding the hungry, clothing the naked, caring for the sick, and visiting the lonely? You know - the kinds of things Jesus did while He walked on this planet ...
I feel that the capital-'C'-Church's energies could be spent on much more positive and helpful things that actually emulate Jesus Christ's example. He was pretty clear about what He wanted of His followers (called, ahem, Christians):
- Matthew 7:1-5 [do not judge]
- Matthew 21:28-32 [tax collectors and prostitutes who believe will enter the kingdom of heaven before the church leaders who do not believe or did not follow His word]
- Matthew 22: 35-40 ['Love the Lord your God ... Love your neighbout as yourself ...' - notice that He didn't say "except the prostitutes and homosexuals", who did exist in His day too]
- Matthew 25: 34-40 [What you do to 'to one of these brothers', you do to God - feed the hungry, invite the stranger in, clothe the naked, visit the sick, go to the prisoner]
- Luke 6: 27-37 [love your enemies while expecting nothing in return, be merciful, do not judge, and do not condemn]
- Luke 10: 25-28 [love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength. Love your neighbour as yourself - it warrants repeating]
- Luke 30-37 [The parable of the Good Samaritan who cares for the hurt Jew, at enormous personal cost to himself. Keep in mind that Samaritans were considered the lowest of the low in Jesus' day - righteous Jews wouldn't even talk to them, avoiding them at all costs. Sound familiar?]
- Luke 12: 33-34 [Sell your possessions and give to charity]
- John 8: 1-11 [The story of the adulterous woman who was to be stoned. Jesus said to let whoever was completely devoid of sin cast the first stone - no one could claim perfection; and Jesus said to the woman "I do not condemn you, either."]
- John 8: 31-32 [He tells His disciples to continue in His word]
- John 13: 12-15 [Jesus says He set an example, and tells His disciples to follow it]
- John 15: 12-17 [Jesus commands His disciples to love]
Those are just some examples. The over-arching story of Jesus is His gospel of love. Love. It's a big word that demands hard work and, often, sacrifice. I do not claim to be perfect at any of this - I sin as much as the next guy. But sin is sin is sin. There aren't "okay sins" and "bad sins", there's just sin. So my job is to do my best at getting to know Christ, and trying to be like Him. If He said love, I'll take that at face value. I will try my hardest to love.
I hope others will do the same.
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