On Love

This season is my favourite. And even though not everything is exactly the way I planned or exactly how I want it to be, I have loved these past two days.

I have the best family: my parents and my siblings know how to make my life awesome. I am so blessed to have the life that I do. Tonight my goal is to sleep - maybe my first night without insomnia or nightmares in awhile. That would truly be the cherry on top of an already perfect holiday season.

Grey Scale

Usually I spend my life fighting agains the notion that ideas are black and white. Right now ... I would just KILL for this decision to be black and white. I want a clear cut, correct answer with all the pros and cons laid out in front of me.

Grrr.


Song of the Day: Breathe (2AM) by Anna Nalick

Singing in the Dark

My godmother sent me this:

"Faith is the bird that feels the light and sings when the dawn is still dark."
- Rabindranath Tagore

It's amazing how an act of faith, while still surrounded by darkness, can beckon in the light. I don't think I can honestly say that I felt the light, but I sang, and the light came.

I refuse to do this alone, to turn my back on what I honestly believe to be true. Even if I could, I wouldn't want to do this without Him. And the other him? Well, I hope and pray that he keeps looking. He'll find what he's looking for.


Song of the Day: Fix You by Coldplay

Open Letter to you

Stop acting like you are the only one of us who is sad and hurting. Not only is it incredibly wrong and selfish, it is offensive to me.

Do not belittle or ignore or forget or erase the fact that I love you and I am dying just as much as you.


Song of the Day: River by Sarah McLachlan (originally recorded by Joni Mitchell)

Not So Much

It might be obvious, but I am struggling through a bit of a depressed patch right now. That is really hard for me to admit. Generally, I would consider myself a very outgoing and optimistic person, but right now? Not so much.

In this time of my last presentations for school as well as finals starting in *gulp* three days (!!), it would be really nice to be able to focus on my studies. But my brain is completely pre-occupied. And when I can focus, I seem to be incapable of retaining any information.

I am having a hard time finding God in any of this. I know He's there, because He promised, but when things are tough it can be pretty hard to see Him on the other side of all the fear and sadness. A friend compared Him to a midget-sized Waldo in a giant Where's Waldo book. This is simultaneously a nice analogy [because you always find Waldo in the end] and a scary one [it usually takes me forever to find him]. This same friend, who has been a huge support in recent weeks, said that there are two things you need to do:

1) you have to train your brain to actually want to look for Waldo. Simply looking for a red&white shirt is not enough - there are a LOT of fake Waldos that could trip you up. You need to remember exactly who it is you're searching out.

2) the faster you try to find him, the more desperate you'll become and the more likely you are to miss him, thinking "I already looked there!" You need to be a step back, take a deep breath and focus on what you're looking for.

It's amazing how a silly analogy can become so accurate and allow you to see the ways that you are getting in your own way. On the other hand, these are two things that are not easy to do. God's timing doesn't usually look like mine, so in this time of countless distractions it's hard to remember that setting aside time to spend with Him is endlessly more important than all the other junk I distract myself with. I miss him, but I would miss Him more.


Song of the Day: The Call by Regina Spektor

Possibility

I first heard the song Possibility by Sierra Noble this past spring. I fell in love with it immediately - her voice, the melody, the plucked guitar line, the deep emotion expressed. I listened to it on repeat dozens (maybe hundreds) of times and I thought I had an idea of what it was about. I didn't, but I do now. I know exactly what she meant.

"Woke up at midnight all alone, was it a dream that you had phoned? Were you even thinking of me? Is it even a possiblity - missing me? Is it even a possibility?

Monday morning coming on fast, was hoping this August moon would last. Whatever you tell me I want to believe, is it even a possibility - missing me? Is it even a possibility?

You placed this promise at my feet, but I need something that I can keep. Is it even a possibility?

I remember looking at you, wondering if you even knew. So I closed my eyes and counted to ten, was hoping that you would kiss me then. Kissing me - is it even a possibility?

Heart's been stolen, eyes are swollen, all these words were never spoken. Stomach sinking, wishful thinking, wish that you would phone.

I wish these fears would disappear so we could run away from here. Is it even a possibility?

Woke up at midnight all alone, was it a dream that you had phoned? Were you even thinking of me? Is it even a possiblity - missing me? Is it even a possibility?

You and me - is it even a possibility?"

Song of the Day: Possibility by Sierra Noble