The Conflict of Interest

Lying in bed, I was suddenly thinking quite hard about the topic of love. It's a huge topic- we're all obsessed with it! Books are written, plays scripted, movies produced, advertisements saturated - with love, or at least the image we expect to come hand-in-hand with it. It's everywhere, right from the time we're kids in school, on the playground - holding hands, hugging and kissing, to when we're adults - still holding hands, hugging and kissing. Girls discuss it to death and so, I would assume (as it's impossible for me to know for certain) do boys, though maybe not quite as much as girls. We all want it. We all feel that we need it, in one form or another. We love our families (hopefully), we learn to love our friends, and then we search for romance.

Obviously, people find both sorts of love (companionable and romantic), but how on earth does it work? It's incredibly illogical! Firstly, two people have to meet. Now, their criteria for relational other have to be at least partially in line with each others' (physical preferences, intelligent, unintelligent, witty, serious, hobbies, interests, dreams, aspirations, etc.). Next, they need some sort of connection - how do they get to know one another? Who has the courage to initiate the conversation and further the relationship? Trust has to be developed and there has to be some sort of spark (not just in romantic relationships). Some friendships don't work because two people just don't quite connect for no reason at all, so there has to be some element of chemistry (sorry for the bad pun). And then, if all this works out, it's a two way street. Both people have to work to keep a functional relationship/friendship alive and growing. Phew! The probabilities all stacked together don't seem favourable.

Another absurd thing is that the criteria for a friend, or even a "best" friend, is incredibly more relaxed than for that of a romantic relationship. With friendship it seems to be that we are far more willing to put things on the line, betting that this person won't let us down. It's more casual, letting things develop in their own time with less pressure or stress and seeing if, in actuality, this person is true friend material; And this can be incredibly beneficial, because the decreased concern allows the relationship to expand in its own right, giving us a real feel for who this person truly is. But why do we do that? Is it because we are more afraid of being hurt by someone we love romantically than by someone we are "merely" friends with? That seems wrong because it is arguable that our friends can hurt us equally as deeply as anyone because often they know us better than we even know ourselves. Is it because romantic love is above and beyond friend-love, giving it an even deeper depth? Arguably that certainly is not always the case, but it's a valid concern.

It seems so contradictory that the relationship we are most obsessed with finding is the one we are most cautious in developing. Instead of the openess and freedom of friendship, we throw up walls, play games, run in circles, and avoid letting that person know us. True, the more someone knows you the better armed they are to hurt you (either intentionally or not), but our closest friends possess the same weapons. So why do we hold back? Why do I hold back in letting someone I am interested in as more than a friend get to know me? Why do I participate in the stupid games and follow these unwritten rules of society thereby increasing the pressure on an already tough situation? Difficult to say. We throw up barriers as a self-protection mechanism but, really, we only damage ourselves.
That's a lot of thoughts without a solution - how do I step away from this practice that restricts how much I let the person I most want to know me get to see the real me? I have no answer. Le sigh.

[PS - did you catch the punny title?]