2012

I am not doing anything exciting for the new year. In fact, because I will be at work, I'm hoping for quite a mundane night. Exciting is never a good thing in the ICU.

Last night I was on Facebook and kept seeing all these posts about how people are "so done with 2012" and how this was the "worst year ever". I understand that some years are definitely worse than others, but I have a hard time believing that very many people in developed countries had such a bad year that there is nothing good to remember. I feel that when we're so blessed that a failed relationship or bad marks are the worst things in our life we're still doing pretty well. But maybe that's just me.

2012 was a year of ups and downs for me. Lots of tough times, but lots of great times too. This past year I got out of a long-term relationship, crossed the stage to accept my BScN degree, successfully wrote my nursing exams and received my registration, travelled to Vancouver, Seattle, Calgary, Ontario, Taiwan and Malaysia, attended a funeral we all saw coming, made numerous new friends, started my career as an ICU nurse, celebrated my sister's engagement, found a new home, and accepted that my life is changing so fast it makes my head spin. I laughed, cried, fought, compartmentalized,  held grudges, made some stupid decisions, learned, celebrated, forgave, tried new things, let go, loved, and said goodbye. There have been plenty of tears, but tears are not always shed in sadness; tears can fall for heartbreak, sorrow, happiness, surprise, anger, confusion, relief, or they can be simply an expression of letting go.

Letting go. Something I am learning to do. I have some great big dreams for 2013, but I am learning to let things happen the way they happen. I am learning that I have so little control over my life - and thank heavens! I am far too apt to make mistakes. I look forward to the coming year - I will try to embrace the bad with the good, run alongside the change, grow as a woman and a human being, and be thankful for myself, my family and friends, and all the amazing things I am blessed to experience.

It will be a Happy New Year.

Re-Framing the past

I am in the process of packing up all my things in preparation for the big move. Which, for the record, absolutely sucks. SUCKS! Anyhow.

I'm finding all those things that I tucked away at some point - old school binders, cards and letters from friends, and photos. It is absurd to find that picture frames with photos that used to be extremely important and meaningful to me are easy to pull out the frames and pack away in storage. I printed off new photos and put them in the frames, and it feels so refreshing and fitting. Packing up photos that no longer bring me joy replaced with ones that mean something and remind me of some of the great experiences I've had in the last few years. Maybe it's a little thing, but it feels like it makes a big difference. New house, new roommates, new bedroom with new pictures.

Quite fitting with the new year.

The trouble with love

I forgot how complicated dating and love and relationships are. Especially right at the start. Or when things change. Or when you don't know what you want. Or if you know what you want but don't think you can have it. Or when you know what you want and know you can't have it. Or when you change your mind. Or when your head is telling you one thing and your heart is telling you another. Or when you friends/family are telling you one thing and you're telling yourself another. Or when you are scared. Or when you've been hurt. Or ... Well, basically always.

Love is confusing. Love is vulnerable. Love is time-consuming and challenging and unnerving. I know that love can be worth it. At least my head knows that love can be worth it - I'm having a hard time convincing my heart. I know tales like that of my grandparents (married 49 years and 11 months, parted only in death), or my parents (married 30 years so far), or my godparents (34 years so far). I want a story like their stories. And yet I cannot convince my heart to try.

Right side up

Getting Netflix was one of the worst ideas I ever had. I find a show and then watch it obsessively until I've seen all the episodes and it can sort of consume my life. It's a problem.

I have been watching Bones (I'm in the middle of season six) and the episode I just watched discussed a study in which participants were asked to wear glasses that made the world appear upside down. After wearing the glasses for three days, participants reported that their vision once again appeared right-side up. However, upon removing the glasses, their vision was once again upside down ... and it again took three days for everything to normalize.

So the lesson I (sadly) extract from a television series is that after a major change, it takes three days for our world-view to adjust, three days for our brains to re-adjust. Perhaps it takes our psyche or subconscious, or whatever you want to call it, longer to absorb the change, or make it feel normal, but the brain itself will accept the change within three days time.

I'm not sure what the direction of this commentary is, but it just stuck with me. Three days to see things right side up again.

Meniere's

I am so dizzy today that I had to call in sick to work - I can't look down or close my eyes without an overwhelming sensation of vertigo. I haven't had to miss any work in almost three years because of this disorder and I am so frustrated to have to do so again.

This sucks.