Life is for the Brave

The longer I live the truer I find that to be.

When I live safe, I live small. Life without chances or risks is predictable, and predictable is boring. The times in my life I am the most happy are when I'm gambling a little bit - work, vacation, romance, friendship - they are all high risk, high reward.

I was talking to a friend recently who made the point that I am very guarded in my relationships. Apparently I always follow up a vulnerable snippet of conversation with a joke or sarcasm - something to cover up my moment of openness. I was a little surprised (first, that this was the case and second, that he'd been so perceptive as to pinpoint this behaviour) but as we talked about it I both recognized the habit and was able to account for its origin.

Vulnerability never used to twist my guts the way it does now; I was much more free to share of myself with others. Sure, I got hurt (often, and badly), but the passion and accessibility of being so honest and exposed allowed me to connect very intensely with the people in my life. I didn't feel the need to shield myself with sarcasm or humour because I not only wanted but actively sought close friendships and connections.

That all changed around the time I turned 17. The details are unimportant, but I'm not exaggerating when I say that I got my heart broken (not by a boy) in a way that caused me to need a shell simply to survive. Even though I have learned to cope with and absorb that part of my history, I still feel the need to guard myself from ever experiencing anything even remotely similar.

I can have an abundance of both liking and love for people and then simply let them fade out of my life with minimal regret. After high school I said goodbye to all my friends and currently do not speak to any of them. It's not that we're on bad terms, I just let the friendships go. The same applies to the people from the Bible school I attended for three semesters, camp, past jobs, university, everywhere. There are a few friends who are a core part of me, but most of my friendships are ephemeral. And it truly isn't because I don't like the people or enjoy their company; I really believe it's because I don't let them see past the walls that I wear to keep myself safe.

The risk of connecting so easily and deeply with people is that you'll get hurt, and you do. Often. But, looking back, the potential rewards outweigh the negatives. I remember what it was like to share of myself so easily and openly. I remember what it was like to connect so well and so often. I remember what it was like to really know people, and know that they knew me (the real me) too. I miss it.

I used to think I would get smarter as I got older. This is not always the case. Turns out I have had this all wrong recently, and that I had it totally right as a kid. But the time has come to be brave, to be the me that I was before the walls and the transient relationships, because life is for the brave.