The last two weeks in May will be my only vacation this year and I was telling a friend who knows me very well that I wanted to go somewhere but didn't know anyone else with the same time off. This is the gist of how the conversation went:
Her: So? Go somewhere by yourself.
Me: By myself?! That's very intimidating.
Her: It's so romantic! You could absolutely do it. Where do you want to go? A beach or somewhere more lively?
Me: I don't think I want to go to on a beach vacation by myself ... maybe Paris?
Her: That would be amazing. Aaaaaaamazing! It's excellent timing for such a journey. Also excellent timing for a slightly impulsive decision, I think.
Me: A journey of self discovery.
Time for a confession: I have been putting my life on hold, avoiding planning the rest of my life, scared that my plans will be incompatible with a man who may never show up. It's so stupid, because I am a feminist and I don't believe that any woman needs a man. Simultaneously I don't think it is stupid because humans need and seek connection and a spouse/partner is, at a base level, simply an intimate friend who is there for the long haul. Regardless, I have been living the line from the song "World Spins Madly On" (by the Weepies): The whole world is moving, and I'm standing still. The time has come to get moving again.
Anyone who knows me will tell you that I'm an extrovert, and I am. I love to be around people and that is where I get my energy. Too much time alone usually leaves me exhausted and insecure. Although I am less extroverted than I was as a teenager, I am still dreadful at being alone. I get lost in the ocean of my own thoughts, over thinking every possible detail of every possible reflection in my head.
Yet here I am, committing to two weeks on my own - two weeks to learn to love my own company, to learn to be happy on my own regardless of what else is happening. Two weeks with my thoughts, my books, and my writing. Two weeks sitting alone at cafes, visiting museums and tourist sites by myself, eating in solitude, asking strangers to take photos of just me.
I am scared. I am excited and nervous and anxious and thrilled to have this opportunity. There is a spoken-word poem on YouTube called 'How To Be Alone' and my favourite lines of it summarize what I hope to learn. I'll end with those words.
"But lonely is a freedom that breathes easy and weightless and lonely is healing if you make it ... Because if you're happy in your head then solitude is blessed and alone is okay."
- Tanya Davis
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