Anxiety, art, and appetite

I'm starting to understand why people are so scared of being alone; it's because it is effing scary.

Part of me wants to just edit out this part, to wear the proud, independent face that says I was just fine traveling alone; but I've spent all this time talking about honesty and vulnerability so here it is.

In the spirit of full disclosure, I spent the majority of yesterday having a minor anxiety attack - I could feel my heart absolutely pounding out a beat, I kept having to remind myself to breathe deeply, and my neck became incredibly sore just from tension. You know that warm feeling you get in your abdomen and chest when you're scared? Yep. All day.

Twenty minutes was devoted to looking up flights home, ten minutes to writing an email to my mom asking her to remind me that it would be an unwise way to spend $1400. The time change made it hard to find someone at home to talk to, but I was lucky to reach one very optimistic friend who told me gently, but firmly and under no uncertain terms, to get myself out of the apartment. 

I stopped for a cafe au lait (like a latte, but way better) and marched myself right over to the Louvre. Holy cow, I had forgotten how impressive that complex is. It used to the home of France's royalty (until Versailles was built) and thus is HUGE.

Because it was a weekend, the place was packed but the tour I went on was made up of about eight people. I made friends with a middle-aged woman from Colorado who was traveling with her husband and we got to talking. She made me feel so much better. The tour was great - not too long but with lots of fun little details and facts - and my new friend (whose name I never learned) gave me a hug at the end and told me that I was going to be just fine and that I'd have a great time. Phew. I needed that.

The walk home was about 45 minutes, and I stopped to pick up some snacks. A bitter-sweet thing I inherited from my mother is that any kind of stress or anxiety causes me to lose my appetite. Completely. I haven't been hungry since landing here and what little I've eaten is just due to knowing that not eating isn't okay. I'm furious because I keep walking past these restaurants and bakeries and cafes and I know the food should look incredible, and yet it just causes my stomach to constrict even tighter. This will pass as I relax and I'll try to make up for lost time. But for last night, I got in just before the rain and curled up in my bed with cookies, yogurt, and a kiwi (healthy, right?) and watched a movie. One more brief moment of anxiety before dropping off to sleep, and this morning came before I knew it.

Today was better - much less anxiety - but I'll talk about that later. I will end with this, however: I'm now starting to understand people's obsession with Paris. What a city!

P.S. - My mom's email response to me was essentially "You can do it. Now take that $1400 you're not going to spend on a flight home and book yourself some tours! It'll go a long way!" I love you, Mama.