Be vulnerable

Day 4

I am not somebody who openly shares of themself. I mean, I do in some ways. I am outgoing and comfortable with people - family, friends, strangers - and I can talk to just about anybody about just about anything. Lots of people would tell you they know me, but, in reality, they know the me that I have carefully revealed to them in measured amounts. Few people have seen me unguarded. In fact, just the other day I decided to be all brave and post the link to this blog on my facebook ... I pulled it down within five minutes and told people that they'd have to ask me for it if they wanted to read. It feels like sharing too much of me.

I despise being vulnerable, and yet I feel so all the time.

Video of the day - Brené Brown: The power of vulnerability (http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html)

Thumbnail quote - "Maybe stories are just data with a soul.” (Brené Brown)

Why I chose this video - As aforementioned, I'm not a big fan of being vulnerable. So when I saw the title I thought to myself, "What? How can being vulnerable be a powerful experience?" and I had to watch. When I got to this line: "... excruciating vulnerability. This idea that in order for connection to happen, we have to allow ourselves to be seen." I was hooked. I had to know how it ended. I'm not sure I have ever felt so strongly that people should watch a TED talk. If you're going to watch just one, watch this one. I don't feel that I cover even half of the wisdom she had to share in this post.

Summary - Discussing shame, fear, connection, authenticity, loneliness, worthiness, love, and belonging, Brené Brown covers the topic of vulnerability from a full perspective of angles. A social worker who originally set out to study human connection, she consistently ran into the concept of shame and unworthiness. What underpinned this sense of not being good enough was vulnerability. But the people who struggled with shame and fought to avoid vulnerability also struggled with connection. In order to make valuable human connection, you have to share of yourself, which leaves you incredibly vulnerable. As she says, "The original definition of courage was to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart."
Her goal was to 'outsmart' vulnerability - find a way to make human connections without having to stand on the edge. It didn't exactly work out the way she planned. She spent years evoking people's incredibly intimate stories of their life connections and kept running into subjects that she described as 'whole-hearted', who had a sense of worthiness. In further narrowing her study to this specific group, to find out what made them who they are, she made some discoveries that were uncomfortable for her to embrace. "There was only one variable that separated the people who have a strong sense of love and belonging and the people who really struggle for it. And that was that the people who have a strong sense of love and belonging believe they are worthy of love and belonging. That's it."
She talks about learning to be willing to let go of who you think you should be in order to accept who you are. You have to learn to live with vulnerability, to embrace it as the birth place of joy, creativity, belonging and love.

My Take-Away - So, truly, I think this may be the best TED Talk I have ever watched and I urge you to take the time to absorb it. Simultaneously, I hated this talk. I hated it because it reminds me of something that I already know, but wish I didn't: In order to make connections, to live my dreams, to find love and joy, I have to share of myself, take risks, and be vulnerable. Ick. She said a lot of great and wise things (watch it!), but I will focus on this topic specifically.

When sharing about the group she called 'whole-hearted', Brené made this statement: "They believed that what made them vulnerable, made them beautiful ... they talked about [vulnerability] being necessary. The willingness to say 'I love you' first; the willingness to do something where there are no guarantees; to be willing to invest in a relationship that may or may not work out. They thought this was fundamental." I am uneasy about this one. I don't know that what makes me vulnerable is what makes me beautiful. But perhaps the point is that I am not the best person to judge that. I know that I tend to judge myself harshly, so maybe I need to share those vulnerable pieces and let someone else tell me what they are, how they see them. Even just sharing this blog with people in my life feels vulnerable. Saying my dreams outright, knowing that I might never live up to them, allowing this to live as a record that I failed. I don't know if it's for the best.

I do know, however, that it is hard to be the first one to say I love you; to commit to something with no guarantees; to invest in anything that could break without warning; to leave yourself with no safety-net. And yet, doing those things sounds so whole-hearted to me. Come hell or high water. All in. Full Monty. No holds barred. Come what may, taking the consequences - both good and bad. Living a vulnerable, but connected, life.